THE WORST FILMS OF 2004

As always, I start with the list of films that may have been contenders, but have been sadly left by the wayside because I just couldn't bring myself to see them. That list is bigger this year than ever before, with forty films that I allowed myself to duck. The funny thing is that I have some opinions about many of them, even without seeing them… but in the name of fairness, I will restrain myself.

The Could Be Horrid Unseens Are:

..... Against The Ropes
..... Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
..... Twisted
..... Hildago
..... Jersey Girl
..... Scooby Doo 2
..... The U.S.of Leland
..... Johnson Family Vacation
..... Walking Tall
..... The Prince and Me

..... The Whole Ten Yards
..... The Punisher
..... Envy
..... Godsend
..... New York Minute
..... The Chronicles of Riddick
..... Around The World In 80 Days
..... Sleepover
..... Little Black Book
..... Alien vs Predator

..... Exorcist: The Beginning
..... Paparazzi
..... Wicker Park
..... Wimbledon
..... Mr. 3000
..... Head in the Clouds
..... First Daughter
..... A Dirty Shame
..... The Forgotten
..... Ladder 49

..... Raise Your Voice
..... Callas Forever
..... Thunderbirds
..... Surviving Christmas
..... After The Sunset
..... Seed of Chucky
..... Christmas With The Cranks
..... Flight of the Phoenix
..... Fat Albert
..... Darkness

Ah… reading that list… it brings tears to my eyes…

This year, 28 films made the Pig Pen O' Shame. As with any annual list, not every film seems to come from the same DNA as others. How does one accurately compare The Clearing to Without A Paddle or Van Helsing to Around The Bend… except, of course, in how very, very bad they are.

In picking the 10 worst, I have to admit, this is not the best year for the worst movies. The agony is not quite as exquisite as it has been in the past. There is a good chance that Twisted would have really hurt… but I didn't see it. And so, with just a tiny bit of rage, the 18 runners-up…

Alexander - So many good things, but like most bad films, it never answered the question of why the movie needed to be made. A special shout out to Anthony Hopkins, who seemed to be costumed and bald-wigged as Humpty Dumpty's ancestor.

Anaconda: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid - If you can't bring the snakes to the hood, bring the hood to the snakes. This is what happens when CG gets too cheap and the production gets even cheaper.

Around The Bend - A good hearted attempt at a mature family film, but it was a bit like watching a defensive battle in football… in which neither defense does anything interesting because the offense is so bad. The story had a good idea, but it never got running. Perhaps it was developed to death. At some point, there must have been some feeling of relief for these characters. For me, the only relief was the light outside of the back door of the theater.

Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason - Just a mess… with likeable familiar characters. Should be given a special award for the worst use of pop songs in a feature film in movie history! It was like a game of how many music cues you could fit into 90 minutes. A spectacular mess of a sequel. And there will probably be another based on international box office.

Broken Lizard's Club Dread - It just sucked. Broken Lizard's first film was bad… but at least it felt mean and lean and focused on a clear idea. Even Jordan Ladd's fabulous toplessness was not enough to make it worth watching again.

A Cinderella Story - The right casting, a clever spin on the traditional story… a terrible piece of filmmaking that delivered on about 28% of its promise.

The Clearing - A great group of actors who gathered around the opportunity to work with Redford… but the story was significantly too clever (and not clever enough) for its own good. And the films grinds it wheels until metal is scraping metal... ouch.

Connie and Carla - This one stayed out of the bottom ten on the strength of Toni Collette's game performance. But otherwise a car wreck. I guess that the very nice, very mediocre Nia Vardalos really wants to be Woody Allen, since she keeps casting herself opposite leading men about whom rumors about them being gay would start if they ever were seen in a relationship with a woman of her qualities.

The Dreamers - It's sad to see Bertolucci devolve into just another dirty old man with magnificent taste in young breasts and pretty boys, but that is where this one leaves us. The film is even more disappointing after seeing the great documentary on Henri Langois in Toronto this year. The idea of some kids who dream in film and reset their personal boundaries is a great one… but this one didn't seem terribly interested in any of the ideas it pretends to.

Ella Enchanted - Was this the film that effectively ended both Kathleen Turner and Marty Short's film careers in one fell swoop a few years back? This overripe mess was more than its director could handle and less fun that the writer apparently thought it was. The possibility for greatness was there. But the pieces didn't fit in the puzzle.

I Heart Huckabees - So much good… but so bad. A TV show about nothing worked in 22 minute spurts… in no small part because it didn't pay too much attention (except for a few episodes) to what it wasn't doing. This one was like a hyperactive child who need constant attention but instead of trying to get your attention with something you are interested, keeps telling the same fart joke over and over.

Shark Tale - All gags, no tale. Dead family members as the center of a fairy tale works when the death is played for drama and there is comedy around. It does not work in a very broad comedy in which your lead is, basically, the liar everyone thinks he is. It will be interesting to see how Disney handles a similar story in Chicken Little next summer.

Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow - They spend $80 million and cut the edge to make a movie that looks like an $80,000 B movie from 1943. But, much worse, the human characters were even less interesting than the black and white backgrounds. Apple's mom livened up a bit in the third act… around the same time the audience realized that Angelina sent her lips to the set in lieu of a performance and the director didn't notice. But I just kept thinking to myself, "Didn't I see that in an episode of The Powerpuff Girls and wasn't it in color?"

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou - Today, we are examining the deep, dark inner navel of Wes Anderson. Perhaps when we are done laughing at the lint, Mr. Anderson will move to his lower regions and engage in further auto-erotica, daring us to laugh at his pathetic effort. Oh, genius! It hurts so much when so much leads to so little. Time to get back to the $8 million handheld films.

The Village - Another filmmaker hoisted on his own petard of schtick, Shyamalan's quite interesting idea is ultimately made meaningless because he can't tell the story he thought of because he's so busy trying to deliver a M. Night punchline. The power to separate utterly from the real world and the implications… a truly fascinating idea. But this movie is dreck.

Van Helsing - CGed to death. Hugh Jackman was reduced to being a standee. The career of Ms. Beckinsale is careening to a premature end. Give me a Frankenstein with two plastic bolts stuck to the sides of his neck.

Welcome to Mooseport - It had been a while since Gene Hackman made one of the "those" films. Another good idea in the dustpan of bad filmmaking.

Without A Paddle - Three funny guys, supermodels who don't shave their legs, and the threat of anal rape… what could be funnier? Perhaps anal rape itself. Nah… too harsh. The film was more a bore than anything else. When people are working desperately to make you laugh and you don't laugh, it's really, really unfunny.

The Worst Ten

December 30, 2004 - The Ten Worst
December 29, 2004 - Movies You Should Have Seen, But Didn't