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Spiders are going to make you laugh.
Eight
Legged Freaks is coming and it is more fun than it has any right
to be. But before
you get your challenge hat on… the CG sucks, the script is
laughable and you don’t get to see Scarlett Johansen
have sex. Those are
all reasons that you will like this movie, believe it or not!
Dean
Devlin, writers Randy Kornfeld (co-story) and Jesse
Alexander(co-screenplay) and first time director/co-writer
Ellory Elkayam have made a good old-fashioned monster
movie with the latest effects done so far over the top that
they might have embarrassed Ray HarryhausenarryhausenmHarr. You’re never really scared because of the brilliant,
taut tension… you’re scared because giant spiders are icky
and they jump at you a whole lot.
When
someone asks how many spiders got contaminated and the answer
is 200, you can be sure that the next scene will feature thousands
of spiders. When there
are dead bodies around, be assured that they will make squishy,
crunchy sounds. When
the creepy spider wrangling guy explains the different kinds
of spiders, be sure that we will get to see them all, really
big and doing what he sets up… and that by the hour mark,
we won’t be trying to make any of it make sense.
Eight
Legged Freaks is in the family of Lake Placid and Anaconda,
but it’s a kissin’ cousin.
Anaconda got laughs by taking itself sooooo
seriously. Lake
Placid got laughs because it was basically a David
Kelley episode, loaded with characters with quirks, which
happened to include an absurdly giant gator.
(Or was it a croc?
Who cares?!?!) Eight Legged Freaks is less ironic.
It’s like the greatest episode of Green Acres
ever, where everyone but Oliver and Lisa and Arnold Ziffel
could have their head ripped off at any minute by giant bugs
that Eb created by mistake.
The
cast is terrific. David Arquette finally found a role
that allows him to be a straight leading man while using the
manic energy that has made him so hard to cast.
Kari Wuhrer is a soft-core porn icon, but she
has actually got a sexy charm that has been apparent since
MTV’s Remote Control, so casting her as a mother of
two who carries a gun and a baton is funny kink. The funniest unintentional gag is that young Scarlet Johansen (just turned 17) has the actual breasts that
Ms. Wuhrer paid for a number of years ago.
Johansen has the beauty to be “the girl,” but she has
the quirkiness and talent as an actress to be a real movie
star. Rick Overton
is aging into being a nicer Rick Duccomon, but he shows
us a glimpse of a long future as a caricature actor here. And Eileen Ryan adds class – and the
inevitable dream that her son, Sean Penn, might have
made this movie in the Arquette role, just to hang with mom
for a few months. With due respect to Arquette, Penn’s presence
would have turned a really fun film into a true classic of
the genre, much as the presence of Penn, Jennifer Jason
Leigh and Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont
High have elevated that movie in the history of film.
The
only real question is, why isn’t WB exploiting Ms. Johansen
in the advertising? They seem to be missing the young boys who
would show up for her special effects alone.
So
here it is… leave your brain at the door.
Get ready for your date to grab you hard – could get
real interesting in a stadium-seating theater.
And go for the ride. Eight Legged Freaks is definitely the
best goof of the summer… at least until XXX arrives.
I’ve
been trying to come up with the right pull quote, but it’s
tough. How about,
“This is the stupidest movie I’ve ever loved!” or “Eight Legged Freaks Bites!” or “Eight
Legged Freaks sucks the brains out of the sci-fi genre
and fills it back up with a venom of laughs!”
or “Bring Your Diapers!” or
“Funnier Than Starship Troopers… and the breasts
are real!!!” or “Being Dumb Never Felt So Good!”
See… desperate. I’m sure they’ll go with Earl Dittman
saying, “More fun than a barrel of porcupines!”
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