Sondra Locke's finally settled her lawsuit against Warner Bros.
that claimed the studio bilked her out of a three-picture deal because
of former beau, Clint Eastwood's influence rather than because
of the uniquely worthless Ratboy, the first film in the deal.
So what does she do? A nasty tell-all book! Oooooh! Just check out these
amazing morsels! Eastwood didn't know who Barbara Walters was!
Oooh! Aaah! Clint liked the much-younger Locke to call him Daddy! Oooh!
Aaah! Eastwood started whispering after noticing that it worked for
Marilyn Monroe! Who the hell is she kidding?! O.J. spent two years
on trial for murder, Chrisitian Slater's biting the women that
Marv Albert is missing, Robert Downey Jr. is waking up
in Baby Bear's bed and the President of The United States is releasing
information about his penis in press conferences! If Clint didn't have
sex with Burt Reynolds and that stupid orangutan while holding
up a 7-11 with a bazooka, who's going to notice?!
Starship Troopers' star-on-the-rise, Casper Van Dien,
is about to go native as Tarzan for Warner Bros. Tarzan Jungle Warrior.
Van Dien follows superstars Christopher Lambert and Miles
O'Keefe in the role. Did I say superstars? I meant guys who clean
bars.
Jon Peters, who has produced a grand total of zero hits since
Batman and he and his partner Peter Guber teamed up to lose
billions for Sony, has decided repetition is the most likely formula
for hitmaking. First, he set up the feature version of The Wild Wild
West starring Will Smith. Then there's Superman Reborn,
except with a wild-eyed lunatic (Nicolas Cage) as the Man Of
Steel. Now he's ready to move on from old TV shows and comic books to
classic films with The Trail, a remake of the 1956 John Ford
classic, The Searchers, except it's set in space! What's next?
A remake of Peters' Bonfire of the Vanities with funny jokes
and a comprehensible plot?
Do you have any bad ideas for worse remakes? Email
me.
