The Hot Button by David Poland

Weekend, 30 May 1998

NEWS BY THE NUMBERS
10. FEET UNDER: John Derek, the hack-actor-tuned-hack-
photographer-turned-hack-director-turned-fabulous-purveyor-of-
teenaged-girls has died. He was 71 and was felled by a heart attack. Apparently someone told him that his wife (fourth in the series), Bo Derek, had actually passed 40, and he was still married to her. Mrs. Derek was imagined to have responded to that suggestion, "Well, parts of me are way under 40."
9. Brooke Shields (she was in a movie once, right?) is litigating with a British tabloid over a report that she was held by police on "suspicion of possessing drugs." In fact, she was just in a police holding room trying to avoid paparazzi. Instead of getting all upset, the still-sexless Shields should have taken advantage of the opportunity and gotten some good publicity. "We regret the error in our Sunday edition. Brooke Shields was not held on drug charges. She was having a sexual dalliance in a public restroom with the three members of the Rolling Stones still able to achieve erections. Our apologies to Ms. Shields. Read tomorrow's edition to find out where you can purchase a videotape of the event."
8. PRO-LIFE OR PRO-WIFE?: Operation Rescue seems to have lost their way on the road to Disney World. The group, titled to suggest their anti-abortion stance, is preparing to stage a protest in connection with Disney's annual Gay Day to be held this June. What's up with that? Isn't homosexuality the ultimate way to avoid abortions? What can Disney do to avoid this confrontation? Said an Operation Rescue leader, "Repent." So much for realistic expectations. Then, the OR leader said, "One day Michael Eisner will have to bend his knee before God." Can't this guy make up his mind whether he's pro- or anti-gay?!
7. LES, LOS, UN, DER OSCARS: Just when you thought it was safe to laugh at Europe for creating the Euro as a continent-wide currency, the European Union is preparing to start their own movie awards to compete with Oscar. Fifteen countries are involved in early talks. Geez! You could bust your spleen trying to get 15 Academy members to see an unknown documentary. Fifteen countries! Maybe they'll let Lars Van Trier direct the show, which will last 27 hours and include frontal nudity and intravenous drug use. Yeah!
6. TAG, YOU'RE A HIT: Tag Heuer has announced its plans to promote the Disney film, Armageddon, its first such promotion. The ad will focus on the watch that Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton and Liv Tyler all wear in the film. It costs $70,000. Sounds like a lot, but in Armageddon dollars, that 70 grand would pay for only about 3.5 seconds of the mega-budget film. And that's before prints and advertising.
5. NIC NEWS: Nicolas Cage, freed from Super duty for at least eight months, is going on with his work. He just finished principal photography on the snuff film thriller 8 mm for director Joel Shumacher. Next, he shoots paramedic drama Bringing Out the Dead for some unknown director named Martin Scorsese. That leaves a slot for Cage before Warner Bros. hopes to have Superman Lives back on its feet and up, up and away. (He has a $20 million play-or-pay deal, so look for Warners to make this picture at some point.) The leading candidate for the slot is Family Man, which would also be the first post-L.A. Confidential film from director Curtis Hanson. The movie would have Cage playing a New York investment banker who has given up his chance to have a family in order to pursue millions of dollars. That is, until he wakes up and finds that he has a normal life with kids and a happy marriage to his college sweetheart. Then, the guy from Babe turns out to be a bad guy and tries to kill Cage. Oops. Wrong movie.
4. THE EDGAR WATCH: What's Seagram/Universal Studios owner Edgar Bronfman Jr. up to this week. After buying PolyGram last week and preparing to sell Tropicana Juices, some people think Edgar Jr. will sell off Seagram's, previously the central business of his family's empire and his only significant non-entertainment industry holding left. One big chunk of assets that has been dumped is Edgar's 11.76 million shares of Time Warner, which was about 2 percent of rough cut's corporate parent and roughly $900 million. There is, sadly, no truth to the rumor that he dumped his TW stock because he was ticked at my column. In other Edgar news, potential buyers for PolyGram Filmed Entertainment are balking at the asking price, essentially confirming the fact that the only value left in that company is its distribution arm and its film library. Another fun week with the happiest billionaire.
3. GODZILLA DESTROYS MOVIE CHAIN: Anti-Godzilla fever hit Wall Street Wednesday as Carmike Cinemas Inc. claimed that the disappointing opening of Godzilla would significantly effect second-quarter earnings. Personally, I think this is a pretty cheap stunt by a company that has bigger problems than a giant lizard underperforming. But Wall Street and the media are taking it seriously. And you thought the monster design was a problem.
2. NO CLASS: A federal judge decided this week that a group of lawsuits against the major studios over "net" points could not be brought as a class action suit. The suit was led by JFK conspiracy theorist Jim Garrison. Having failed in this pursuit, Garrison is expected to lead the Godzilla class action suit. With that in mind, Sony has purchased the rights to Godzilla vs. Garrison in which Kevin Costner, reprising his role as Garrison, fights the giant lizard for close-ups and Sour Apple awards.
1. PHIL HARTMAN IS DEAD: This is a tragic story. And it's going to get a whole lot worse. Some reporter will be telling this story in full before too much longer. It could be leaking out by the time you read this. But I will not be that reporter. I don't want to drag anyone through the dirt, least of all someone as well-loved by so many, in real life as well as in his work, as Phil Hartman. All I will say is that the memory of a nice guy is about to get extremely tarnished. And that sucks. It's just going to be too good a story (or too bad, depending on your perspective) for reporters to leave alone once things start coming into perspective. If I am failing you by not telling you everything, so be it. Sometimes humanity is more important.
THE CONTEST: Sorry things got so behind on the box office contest. If you were here yesterday, you know that this is the last week of The Hot Button Box Office Challenge. But there will be a new weekly contest in its place next week. And there will also be a summer long movie handicapping contest in which you can win a DVD player, so keep an eye out next week. The winner of the contest from the weekend of May 15-17 is Tom Shih of Bryn Mahr, PA. And from the Godzilla weekend, I'm awarding a dual prize to Lynn Morganroth of Miami and a guy who is really good at this, multiple winner Dan Krovich of Baltimore. (Is it a bizarre coincidence that I grew up in Baltimore and Miami or what??? Yipes!)
READER OF THE DAY: Joey writes: "DAVID!!! Regarding Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I paid only $4.25, but I was bored stiff. I saw a free preview of Hope Floats. It was a pretty good movie, but I'm thinking that most critics will pan it. Other than a great scene where we meet Sandra Bullock's father in the movie, it was standard stuff. Predictable as hell. The little girl was adorable, though. Bullock was very good, as was Gena Rowlands (duh!). Harry Connick Jr. was pretty good, but his role wasn't a huge challenge. I think that it was funny to see Michael Paré again (Eddie and the Cruisers didn't make him the celebrity he was destined to become. Sarcasm.) Especially with a Southern twang."

E ME: There will be a little news on Paré and Hope Floats next week. But for now, are you wondering why there's no report from Cannes? Because there wasn't a damned thing worth reporting on over there. It's finally dawning on the world that Cannes has become little more than a fashion show and a film festival for a hyper-select crowd. What other parts of the biz do you think are over-the-hill?