Weekend, 24 July 1998

NEWS BY THE NUMBERS

10. STOP HIM BEFORE HE DIRECTS AGAIN: Daily Variety reported Brian Levant's threat to bring the same directorial acumen he brought to the live action version of The Flintstones and the writing genius he exhibited in last year's big screen version of Leave it to Beaver to an updated feature version of "The Munsters." See, the guy is a comedy God. Here's a hilarious tidbit (reported by Variety's Michael Fleming) about Levant's pitch: "We met (U production execs) Eric Hughes and Stacey Snider with the original 'Munster Koach,' this hearse that was transformed into a drag racer." Are your ribs hurting yet? Here is Levant's "It's Movie Hit A mixed with Movie Hit B" analysis: "The Munsters are driven from Transylvania and arrive in America and become an immigrant success story. Essentially, it's Avalon with Frankenstein." OUCH! I can't breathe! I bet you're wondering why anyone needs a major motion picture version of "The Munsters." You see, "The dragon under the stairs was smoke and two red lights for eyes! We can have a proper dragon, battling ghosts, all that stuff." That Levant! He has an answer for everything!

9. IS FOX A POX?: Fox Top Dog (his official title) Peter Roth was upset when he was confronted last weekend with There's Something About Mary as yet another example of the studio's willingness to get a laugh at any cost to taste. Chernin, holding back tears, said, "I cannot tell you how much I take those comments to heart." Just after that, he announced Fox's movie slate for next summer, which includes the animated Poo Poo: Escape From Flatulence, the Eddie Murphy starrer Just Glad To See You and the sequel from the Farrelly Brothers, There's Something About Excrement.

8. COURTING IRRELEVANCE: Even though the judge allowed Alec Baldwin's attorneys to call photographer Alan Zanger a "stalkarazzi," Baldwin was found responsible for his choice to punch out Zanger in 1995 when Zanger attempted to take film of Baldwin's new progeny which was just fresh from Kim Basinger's oven. Good. Three cheers for responsibility. Of course, the jury found Zanger 25 percent responsible for the attack and ended up awarding him only $4,500. Good. Three cheers for not indulging consideration-free idiots. And just so you know, roughcut.com is working on getting you the first look at Zanger's new video, Baby Baldwin: From Conception To Birth, which will try to beat out Pam and Tommy Lee's X-rated home movie. I hear Baldwin actually prepares a full Thanksgiving dinner with his penis, a stunt that puts Tommy's boat driving to shame. And this just in from Turner Legal. It's just a joke, Alec. No! Please don't punch me!

7. ANDRE, WE HARDLY KNEW YA: Emmys! This column don't need no stinkin' Emmys! But I am happy that "Homicide"'s Andre Braugher is getting a nod as best actor (for his awe-inspiring work as Frank Pembleton) as he segues into a movie career. Too bad those fools don't have the insight to nominate and vote for "Homicide" as best show. As much as I like "Law & Order" and the David Kelley shows, there is no other TV show today that is at the quality level of great feature film drama. Except "Homocide." Ironically, Braugher, who is leaving the show to explore features and to give his acress wife, Ami Brabson, a chance to get out of Baltimore and back to her work (gotta love this guy), just signed for a TNT movie called Passing Glory, to be directed by Hoop Dreams director Steve James. TNT may be "the best movie studio on television," but we are still on television.

6. TWO FOR THE GENETICS OF ONE: Jodie Foster had a baby boy last Monday. It's only been eight months since Thanksgiving 1997, so I guess I'll have to abandon my turkey baster parental theory. And I'll take this opportunity to applaud Ms. Foster's plans to be a single parent. Some worry about a boy not having a male influence, but I'm pretty sure Jodie has that covered.

5. BYE JOE: Joseph Maher died this week. He was 64. Like the great and now late J.T. Walsh, Maher was a guy whom you would immediately recognize. Perhaps he was best known as the Brit-accented bishop in Sister Act or as the butler in Heaven Can Wait or from TV, as a regular on Jamie Lee Curtis' "Anything But Love." He was also a very accomplished stage actor. I used to see him at my neighborhood grocery store all the time. Nice guy. But it was the work that will stay with me. And ultimately, he went with real style, cremated and sent to his family in Ireland. Ashes to ashes.

4. MAD MONEY: Madonna didn't like the way things were going with 50 Violins, so she walked despite spending months learning the violin. Madonna can claim she's ready to be a movie star all she wants, but she still hasn't made anything but headlines and a baby since her Evita performance left audiences lukewarm. She seems to be part of a generally disliked three-headed blonde Hollywood wannabe (with Courtney Love and Tina Brown) that can get more attention than almost any movie star but couldn't make an impact on the movie industry except from the periphery.

3. OVER THERE: The foreign box office should and will become more of the daily perspective of industry watchers everywhere. Last weekend, Armageddon broke German records a week after Godzilla beat all Japanese attendance records in its opening week. Between the two, they grabbed $34 million overseas. Meanwhile, Deep Impact is already more than $150 million foreign and even City of Angels took in more than $34 million so far. It is a small freaking world after all.

2. FIGHTING OVER PRIVATE RYAN: The Saving Private Ryan premiere was marred (if you covet publicity) by the no-show of "Entertainment Tonight" which was caused because they didn't get the No. 1 camera position for the event. A friend tells me that this wasn't the first run-in between E.T. and DreamWorks' Terry Press. Apparently, E.T. wanted an exclusive on the premiere of the trailer as well and didn't get it since Press wanted to be fair and spread the wealth. E.T., of course, ran it anyway. DreamWorks probably played the premiere issue wrong, but as I keep saying, this studio seems ready to break all the rules at a time when the rules need breaking in a big way. Bravo DreamWorks.

1. JUST FOR KIDS WHO KILL KIDS: In another thrilling story from DreamWorks, Burger Kings in Springfield, Ore. won't be giving away Small Soldiers toys with every Kids Club meal. Turns out that one of the soldiers, Kip Killigan (subtle name, huh?) looks like Kip Kinkel, one of those kids who shot up his high school recently. How will this affect the Saving Private Ryan landmines that are scheduled to appear in Kids Clubs meals (set off by opening your chicken fingers) soon? Don't know. But remember that old McDonald's commercial about getting your food and some change? Now you can get your food and some fingers. And they won't taste like chicken.

READER OF THE DAY: From Russell D: "I do agree with you about Zorro, Mary, and Out of Sight, in respect that they are the best the summer has yet to offer. And I find it offensive when people refer to Jennifer Lopez as Selena. Where has he (a reader in THB 7/22) been not to know who she is. Everybody knows Jennifer Lopez. That mother f---er should give respect when respect is due. Too bad he did not like the movie. There is more to Jennifer Lopez than Selena. She is a goddamn goddess and he is probably mad that she is with George Clooney, and he missed out.

"I also want to comment about the How Stella Got Her Groove Back trailer. I read the book, and from what I am picking up from the trailer, the creators seemed to have dumbed the story down and filled it with stereotypes. First, in the book she goes to Jamaica by herself with no adult companions. Second, they augment her small extended family to a huge black family, which seems to be a Hollywood standard now (i.e. The Color Purple, Soul Food, etc.). And finally, her love interest was light-skinned and tall, this guy in the movie is a Puff Daddy look alike. I know that it has been done before, where they dumb down the story of the novel to draw an audience, but this is insulting.

"It seems like the book and movie are only going to share the title and the plot and disregard what the author was aiming at, which, in my opinion, was character development and make it, in their opinion, crowd pleasing. What really is interesting is that a lot of black people are behind the scenes on this film, like the author herself. Nevertheless, they are doing what the studios have been doing for years, and then turn around and say that the studios have never presented blacks properly on the screen. I am black, and I have seen dozens of movies that reflect that kind of individual I am and the family I grew up around. Unfortunately, it has not been done by a black filmmaker dealing with black issues."

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E ME: Women on Ryan, mockers on MAFIA! and more about Mary. Those are a few of my favorite e-mails.