Thursday, 24 December 1998

HANUKKAH IN HOLLYWOOD 1998: A FOX HANUKKAH

In a far away land in the City of Century in a land that flowed with sun and implants, lived the people known as the Murdochees. Scholars argued over whether the Murdochees were indeed a lost tribe of Israel or whether Rupert just acted Jewish, whatever that means. But the Murdochees loved their land and loved their lot. And after the Lord Lucas did magic unto them with The Wars That Starred Wookie, it came to pass that the Murdochees couldn't buy a hit to save their lives. A Life Less Ordinary begat The Edge which begat Volcano which begat Speed 2 which begat Out to Sea which begat Inventing the Abbotts which begat Anastasia which begat Alien: Resurrection.

And there was woe in the City of Century.

Distribution Prince Tom Sherak sent to San Marino? for reinforcements from the mysterious Lord Lucas, who would take the Murdochees back in time without going back to the future (wrong studio). But would they get there in time? There was so little green fuel in the land that the Murdochees feared the worst -- "segueing" into studio production deals. How long would the movie slate last?

A celluloid turn from the magical Cameron of James was due, but it was not ready and the mediaites were prepared to beat it to death. As if that weren't bad enough, Fox did not alone possess the possible source of sustenance. They had to share with the last Hollywood power actually in Hollywood. And it was Paramount. And it was good. Sometimes. And the Murdochees and Redstonites battled through the year, past Speed 2 and Alien: Resurrection and nearly until the birth of the man who really belongs in the Christmas column and not here.

And Titanic floated into theaters. And it was good. Well, pretty good. Twenty-eight million somalians was a glorious sight for the Redstonites, and the Murdochees had faith. But Scream 2 from the Brothers Weinstein had made more just a week before. And then the Miracle of the Boat began. Twenty-eight million led to thirty-five million which fell to thirty-three and to twenty-nine and back up to thirty-six. And the film had legs. Mighty powerful legs.

But the Murdochees only had reflected light, for their stream of green would come from overseas. And flow it did. Like sand on the shore and hair plugs at Spago's.

And Titanic smote Fallen and Hard Rain and Spice World and Great Expectations and The Replacement Killers and Blues Brothers 2000 and Senseless and Palmetto and The Wedding Singer and Dark City and The Man in the Iron Mask and The Big Lebowski and Primary Colors. And it was good.

But Lord Lucas was still more than a year from delivering more green fuel. And so the legs kept going, battling the Robinsons and the City of Angels and The Big Hit and He Got Game and Deep Impact and the lizard known as Godzilla. And it came to pass as the flow of green slowed that the Murdochees would need another miracle.

And from the Land of Kennedys, two brothers did come unto the City of Century. And the Murdochees would embrace them and treat them Farrelly. And as Cameron of James gave way to Truman and Mulder and Scully and Dolittle and the men on the rock and the men older than rocks, there came a little film starring another Cameron. And she was good. And her taste was bad.

And as a sign of her virility, she used a human substance in place of a petroleum-based product. And it was cute. And it made us laugh. And the Murdochees were pleased, but not overwhelmed, as Mary Mother of Comedy did only 14 million somalians in its first week. But on she went, losing just 10 percent of her green fuel as weeks turned into months. And she stayed on the charts and floated to the top in her week of eight. And on she burned, generating green fuel and warm buzz to carry the studio of the Fox through the land of the Burbanks and to the line that was red.

And the Murdochees were happy. And the Industry of Shadows and Lights was safe again from the Movie Philistines. Until the time of Lucas. In the City of Century. In the Holy Land known as Hollywood.

Amen.

To read Hanukkah in Hollywood 1997: A Sony Hanukkah, click here.

HOLIDAY SCHEDULE:
Today: Hanukkah Special
Tomorrow: Twas the Night Before Christmas '98
Monday, Dec. 28: Weekend Review
Tuesday, Dec. 29: Top 10 Movies I Just Don't Get
Wednesday, Dec. 30: The Worst 10 of 1998
Thursday, Dec. 31: The Best 10 Films of 1998
Friday, Jan. 1: New Year's Resolutions

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E ME: Fire back.