Weekend, 25 December 1998

To read the The Thin Red Line/Box Office Extra, click here.

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 1998

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through L.A.,
Not a cell phone was ringing,
Though the bills were all paid.

The theaters filled up with studio fare,
While execs on vacation
Tried to seem without care.

Young actresses wriggled
In superstar beds,
While Leo wished he was
The Man with Three Heads.

And men hid their wallets
After being called cheap
For not buying more powder
That lets no one sleep.

When out on the lawn,
There arose such a panic,
That you might have just thought
That they re-released Titanic.

Away from the window,
All the players did dash,
As they ran to the bathroom
And flushed 'way their stash.

The moon looked quite real
As rays bounced off snow,
And they knew that the CG
Would cost lots of zeroes.

When what to my wandering eyes
Should appear,
But one mogul taking
The eight hits of the year!

The cranky old driver,
So shifty and quick,
I knew in a moment,
He must be a d---!

Like shining bright moments,
amongst all the lame,
He whistled and hooted
And called each film by name.

Now Mary! Now Ryan!
Now Godzilla, too!
On Rush Hour, Waterboy,
Doc Dolittle do!

Add two ast'roid movies
And you've got them all!
Now net profits! Net profits!
Net profits for all!

As movies that worked
For the "regular guy,"
Despite crit'cal obstacles,
All eight films, they did fly.

So into the stratosphere,
Their B.O. did go,
All the big money-makers,
And the small weasely schmoe.

And then in a twinkling,
I heard on my roof,
A sleigh full of movies
And that dumb little goof.

A knock on my window,
Which was open a crack,
And I let in the guy
Who gave me a contract.

He was dressed all in fur,
From his head to his toe,
And the paint they'd thrown on it,
almost made him glow.

A cell phone in hand
With a fax there attached,
I noticed his socks and his tie,
They were matched!

His eyes, how they twinkled!
His dimples, how merry!
He almost seemed human.
Now that, friend, was scary!

His perfect-toothed mouth,
It always was moving,
And the tone of his voice,
This dude was grooving.

A filterless Camel,
He lit and then started.
Since the no-smoking laws here
Are always disregarded,

He had a smooth face,
But then when he laughed,
It crinkled and bubbled,
Like tight Saran Wrap.

He was surgically altered,
Just like ev'ryone else,
What a shock, an L.A.-er
Not happy with himself.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head.
And this guy with the movies,
This guy now was dead.

I went to the roof
And I looked in the sled,
The cash was so thick,
It went right to my head.

I sprang to the sleigh,
With my fortune now set,
No more counting pennies,
No more thought about debt.

And we headed to Aspen,
Where my future was bright,
Merry Christmas for me
And for you, a good night!

To read 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 1997, click here

To read Hanukkah in Hollywood '98, click here.

HOLIDAY SCHEDULE:
Thursday, Dec. 24: Hanukkah Special
Today: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas `98
Monday, Dec. 28: Weekend Review
Tuesday, Dec. 29: Top 10 Movies I Just Don't Get
Wednesday, Dec. 30: The Worst 10 of 1998
Thursday, Dec. 31: The Best 10 Films of 1998
Friday, Jan. 1: New Year's Resolutions

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E ME: Any Christmas thoughts?