Wednesday, 6 January 1999

RANTING & RAVING

It's hard to work up a good rage after a few days off. Hard to really focus, too. Like when I wrote yesterday's column, I forgot to mention Miramax's reported holiday sneaking of Goldie Hawn out of Chicago for Charlize Theron. Now, I am a great admirer of Ms. Theron, especially after her screen wattage in Mighty Joe Young. Like the King Kong debut of young Jessica Lange, who couldn't even act back then (Theron can), she managed to be more of a draw than the big monkey. However, one has to wonder whether Miramax is giving director Nicholas Hytner just enough rope to hang himself. There was no note from Miramax publicists about how happy Madonna is with the change. If you were Madonna, would you want to be competing with the younger, hotter Theron? I don't think so. And the word from the New York tabloids months ago was that if Miramax made the move to Theron or Nicole Kidman, Madonna would be gone, too. I guess we'll find out what Madonna wants us to think she thinks when her publicist next calls Liz Smith.

I missed the chance to let you in on reader Chris' funny take on the Inspector Gadget trailer: "Inspector Gadget's groin joke bordered on homoeroticism. As a Hindu guru tries to teach Gadget to control his new powers, he extends his arm across the room and, well, does something to the guru's crotch. The thing is, we get this lame reaction from everybody in the movie and in the theater ("Ouch!"), yet this could never happen in real life, especially since he has so much time to get out of the way. There is an erection joke: 'That's never happened before' and too many bad attempts at humor. Matthew Broderick isn't meant for this type of a role, as he tries to bring a '90s neurotic normal guy spin to an '80s nerdy guy role. It's like George Clooney as Batman or Robin Williams as Popeye (I actually liked that movie). This is The Avengers-level bad. Some critics will give it a zero out of 10. The thing is: The Avengers was actually a good trailer. This misery with Gadget ends with Rupert Everett and his sidekick, having caught Inspector Gadget, telling him he'll never escape. Gadget replies with, 'Yes, I will.' Rupert says, 'Really, Gadget, you've been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons.' Then the three actors look at the screen simultaneously, like, 'Get it?' The Phantom Menace's ninth weekend will more than double Inspector's first."

There were a lot of defenses of The Faculty over the holiday, but this one wins: "Being a teacher, I loved the movie, and I have seen it twice. Both times it was sold out. Our local critic liked the movie, as did most of my students and fellow teachers who have seen it. Were you just in a bad mood that day? Indigestion? I would bet you that word of mouth will get this movie going in a big way. Now if you want to talk about boring and bad, I think Elizabeth fills that category. That movie will not even come close to making the money The Faculty will. I will offer to you my most humble apologies if I am wrong, but The Faculty will be a hit!"

I may have given the impression yesterday that I felt Anita Busch was a bad hire at The Hollywood Reporter. That wasn't my point. Frankly, I have no idea whether she has the management skills to make it work. But who knows? The point was, Hollywood makes strange bedfellows, repeat visitors and a reason to keep your mouth shut when you want to rip someone. (No wonder a Reporter employee had a strange look on his/her face when I mentioned Anita's job search last month.) In any case, I thought all the negative energy in that story yesterday was too one-sided. Coincidentally, Anita was the first person to point me in the direction of Entertainment Weekly, so she holds an odd place in my history. Good luck as the boss woman, Anita. I hope it brings you and your staff joy in the new year.

Peter G. wanted to smack me silly over the holiday: "How you can say that [Saving Private Ryan] is better than Schindler's List? That makes me want to tell you to stick to analyzing the industry and not critiquing films. This film may have more powerful scenes, but overall it doesn't come close to approaching Schindler's List simply because Schindler's List is a better story and screenplay." I have to disagree and oddly enough, I had a long conversation with an actor yesterday who really hates Schindler's List. I don't hate it, but for me it is not the great masterwork that others believe. If you want to see the best film ever made on the Jewish Holocaust, see Shoah. Yes, it's nine hours long and harrowing, but it is by far the best document of the reality of those events ever made.

OH! Another reader wrote in about how much he hated The Faculty. Now, at first I had decided not to run this letter, but it makes me laugh so hard, I have to run it. WARNING: These are not my words nor are they an accurate assessment of how I feel about any of the people involved. This is for your amusement only! Do not blame me for what Roger says in such a funny way. OK, here it is:

"Let's review the players around The Faculty. Robert Rodriguez: A very talented director who has yet to muster a much-needed hit, so he painfully decided that you can't miss with the teen slasher genre? This guy needed to be shown the money bad. Why don't Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen feel that way?

"Kevin Williamson: Flavor of the year cashing in on pop nostalgia (if ya think about it, Wes Craven made the Scream movies anyway). Re-working Body Snatchers again with smug kids? Can't go wrong, right? I could eat a box of Alpha-Bits and crap a more original script.

"Tommy Hilfiger: Clothing tie-ins to a teen horror movie! Genius, I'd say. Too bad we don't know any of those young faces in the commercials. And was I the only one who could spot that logo all over the picture? Phoneeeeey.

"Harry Knowles: The poor guy who started off as a movie pimp (scaring more people than The Faculty ever could) and ended up as the latest Hollywood whore. Talk about being seduced by the dark side. (He actually had the chestnuts to write a positive review of the movie on his site!). You can't help but feel sorry for a guy who's slowly losing his 'outsider' appeal. Harry was taken over faster than any one of the teachers at that high school.

"You put them all together and what do you get? A hodgepodge of good intentions that offers nothing new under the sun. Talent and spin crashing together. It's unfortunate to see Rodriguez trying so hard to bring money to his name. It's too bad he feels he has to. The picture isn't as bad as you carp, David, but it sure is routine. It doesn't have the excessive style of Desperado or the sheer audacity of From Dusk Till Dawn. Rodriguez should look at his first and best movie, El Mariachi, to know where to go next -- small, clever and close to the heart."

SEE! He's tougher than me and still he is kinder to the film! Go figure!

By the way, I saw Val Kilmer on "The Tonight Show" promoting At First Sight. Charming, quiet, funny. And I am outraged! Everyone knows that I want to crucify the poor dear.

And now it's time for MARCHING TO SUNDANCE! Today's Film: Beefcake. Director Thom Fitzgerald mixes documentary and fictional footage to pay respect to the muscle magazines of the 1950s. The Sundance guide to the festival doesn't mention the gay subtext, but you have to figure it's there. I mean, what else is interesting about young beautiful men pumping up, greasing down and tanning aggressively? But the film is also about the efforts of conservatives to shut down the beefcake business. It may be very interesting and it has special appearances by Joe Dallesandro and Jack LaLanne to boot. One more thing: The film is part of the World Cinema program, but it's from Canada, so is it really from a different area of the world? I mean, in late January, I suspect that the only way to tell Park City from Canada will be to listen for accents. Oh, Canadians, sound off.

And some self-abuse by way of the Movie Guy: "To correct you on a couple of points: 1) The Celebration is Danish, not Swedish. 2) Taste of Cherry, a great existentialist mediation on life, death and filmmaking, has probably come and gone in L.A. (It was in NYC in the spring). However, it is not Iran's submission for foreign-language film Oscar consideration. (That would be The Children of Heaven, which Miramax will be releasing this year -- have you seen the goofy trailer yet?) In fact, Cherry wasn't Iran's submission last year when it was eligible. But if we ever have to bomb Iran, I want Cherry director Abbas Kiarostami on a helicopter out of Teheran. Gotta preserve cinematic talent whenever (and wherever) we can, considering the dearth of it here in the States." Thanks for the heads up, MG.

And finally, no chat tonight. Sorry gang. But we're working on some great guests for next week -- stick with me on this.

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E ME: My apologies if you haven't gotten a response or had your letter printed yet. But keep it coming. Your rants are the rave!