The Hot Button by David Poland

WEEKEND PREVIEW

It's another tough weekend coming to a theater near you. Can the pure star power of Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck be enough to push Forces of Nature to the top of the charts? I'm not sure. I won't bet against them, but opinions are cheap. Ravenous is the best new film of the weekend, but I'm guessing that the release pattern will not be wide enough to compete. The other newcomers are Clint Eastwood and Rodgers and Hammerstein, all of whom seem to be the same age these days. (More on both films below.)

Analyze This is the high flyer of the month and will remain so this weekend. I'm always telling you guys to go read Andrew Sarris and this week, he's dealing with Analyze This and the deaths of Kubrick and Alan Pakula, both of whom were born in the same year as he was. On the other hand, the bottom should fall out on Carrie 2: The Rage, Cruel Intentions, The Corruptor, The Deep End of the Ocean, Wing Commander and 8MM. But that still probably won't be enough to bring Shakespeare in Love back into the Top 10, nor Life is Beautiful, Saving Private Ryan, Elizabeth or The Thin Red Line. (My beloved Thin Red Line won't make it back into the Top 20.) The Oscar® excitement continues.

THE GOOD & THE BAD: True Crime is a tough movie on which to comment. I had heard some tough buzz on it, so my expectations were pretty low. But I feel that Clint Eastwood is a truly exceptional director. And he works in dark tones, which sometimes don't work for those who don't like dark films, which is about 80 percent of the world. So, when the film started off with some interesting beats, I got hopeful. Sure, Eastwood isn't the stud he used to be. His limp is getting almost as big as his pecs (are those implants?). But his charm is still powerful. There was James Woods, doing some wonderful scenery chewing, clearly allowed to go off-book to infuse his on-screen relationship with Clint's character with some hard core intimacy that had the true feel of long-time pals. I really respect Isaiah Washington's work and think he is a real rising star, but he didn't quite pop here. Lisa Gay Hamilton, who you may recognize from "The Practice," didn't get enough screen time, but burned things up whenever she appeared. Denis Leary was wasted. Mary McCormack is a very sexy woman, but she's no 23-year-old. The great Diane Venora played this role in Heat already. Laila Robins, Michael Jeter and Frances Fisher all got short shrift. Hattie Winston was good, but was put in such a stereotypical spot as "the tough, enraged, black grandmother," that she had no chance. The one really great performance of the film was from Bernard Hill, who plays the warden with a power and subtlety that the whole movie lacked.

What happened? Well, I think Eastwood lost a little perspective. It happened last on The Rookie. I can believe that he could seduce a 25-year-old who admires him, but the movie made it a little easy on him. And the movie is long with way too many red herrings that not only don't pay off, but are completely forgotten in the script. There is a very dramatic moment late in the film that actually got a laugh in the screening I was in. That's not good. On the other hand, Eastwood's character is interesting and complex. Woods is always a hoot and doesn't disappoint here. Bernard Hill is sublime. And for periods, the movie really works. But by the third act, director Clint starts to rely on standard old action schtick, and it ain't pretty. The final sequence is, for lack of a better word, pathetic. When drama is needed, the film delivers a comic action sequence. Eastwood is the last person I expected this from. Who does he have to answer to? What does he have to prove? It's almost unfathomable that the man who changed my world with Bird and Unforgiven and who did so much with The Bridges of Madison County and A Perfect World, directed this thing. I'll watch for the pieces I like on cable, but it's a true dog.

THE UGLY: It pains me to say it, but the new animated version of The King and I is the worst animated film ever released by a studio. The worst. I sat in the theater and made involuntary noises in amazement at what I was seeing. Word has it that Rich Animation Studios claims they didn't receive their full payment for the film. Well, they should fight for it, because if there is a God, this company will never send a film to a movie theater ever again. (Are you getting my drift? Am I being too subtle?) I love Rodgers and Hammerstein. My parents took me to dinner theater as a child and I sat there and drank my Rob Roy and sucked in the music. These guys were good. Why? They told stories that dealt with real human emotion. So, what do you do when you animate a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical? Well, dump the central love story between the King and Anna. Take a song about feeling alone in a strange place like "I Whistle a Happy Tune" and throw it into an action sequence with a dragon attacking a boat. Turn the classic song "Hello, Young Lovers" into a bit of fluff that looks like the performance section of the Archies TV show. I mean, Betty and Veronica are hotties, but honey! Aw, sugar, sugar!

But this isn't the worst of what they did. I'm sure that "Saturday Night Live" master mimic Darrell Hammond meant to deliver a charming, kind representation of an Asian sidekick. But, instead, we got perhaps the most obnoxious, borderline racist (and I hate PC issues of any kind), brain-damaged character since Mickey Rooney threw on the buck teeth for Breakfast at Tiffany's. "Oh, I no wanna loose my toof! Oh no! I loss anofer toof! Bad toof! I love my toof!" And yet, no spoiler warning here because the only spoiling this movie will involve is spoiling your day if you pay money to see it. I didn't even pay for it and I'm pretty sure that the seven of us that were in that screening room can bring a class-action suit for being forced, due to occupation, to suffer through it. I would have taken action, but at only 82 minutes (or something like that) I wasn't sure that I would bleed out before the film ended, so I put my pocket knife away. (Now you're getting the idea, huh?)

But, what did I really think of this film? The actors were fine. The voices were beautiful. The songs cannot be ruined. But you have to close your eyes and pretend that the movie isn't there. How bad is it? I'd rather watch 200 Cigarettes a dozen times in a row rather than sit through half of The King and I again. It was a lot like having my "toofs" pulled, one by one, for an hour and change. These were films that I wouldn't sit through on Saturday morning TV at age 8, so why would I want to see it for $4.75? (That's the matinee price, because if they play it at night, there will be riots that make the violence associated with some adult films look tame.)

THE CHAT: This Sunday, we'll be coming to you live from backstage at the Academy Awards for the entire show and then some. Yes, my little fingers will be chewed up to the bone. But it's your chance to hang out with me and to offer up your opinion as the big show passes by. It all starts at 8:15 p.m. ET/5:15 p.m. PT. Don't leave me alone with those savage press animals in the monkey suits!

QUOTE WHORING USA: For The King and I: "The funniest Asian racism of the decade!" "Shall we vomit blood? Absolutely!" "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cry, you'll cry."

HAPPY CONTEST TO YOU: I still haven't had a chance to go to a real movie this week. So, the one degree of separation was, indeed Antoine Fuqua, who directed Michelle Pfeiffer in the video for Dangerous Minds' "Gansta's Paradise" and went on to direct Chow Yun-Fat in The Replacement Killers. Brent D. Stump was the first person to get the connection, writing: "Luckily enough, I am having a boring enough day at work that I could sit around and ponder the Michelle Pfeiffer/ Chow Yun-Fat connection. Actually, I managed to come up with two. First of all, Antoine Fuqua directed The Replacement Killers starring Mr. Fat [DAVID NOTE: Actually, Mr. Chow] and the 'Gangsta's Paradise' video starring Coolio and Michelle Pfeiffer. Additionally, if I get extra credit for being arcane, Harry Gregson-Williams did the music for The Replacement Killers and provided additional music for The Prince of Egypt starring the voice of Michelle Pfeiffer. Please excuse me now while I find something else to do that could be mistaken for a reasonable approximation of 'work.' Thanks for the time waster!"

Of course, time doesn't matter here because everyone reads the column at a different time. So, I'm going to pick a winning answer at random... and the winner is... Deborah L. Buckles. Now, Ms. Buckles didn't actually enter the contest. But her friend did and then sent her the following note when he found out his answer was right, "I am MATTHIAS, the KING of MOVIE TRIVIA!!! When's the official crowning? Do you have your scepter ready?" Yeah, yeah, I'll give you the scepter! Actually, I will send them both a package of goodies from ShoWest for their tandem entry. (And Deb was picked randomly. I promise.) It just goes to show you, friends don't let friends answer trivia questions drunk with power. Thank you all for your entries.

BAD AD WATCH: I don't even have a weekend edition of The L.A. Times to work with, but I'll have to go with 20 Dates,' "Find out what the other romantic comedies don't want you to know." I'll tell you, so you don't have to find out for yourself. Irritating guys without money have a hard time getting L.A. bimbo-types into the sack. That was actually the original title of the film, but there wouldn't be a surprise then, right?

READER OF THE DAY: Eric "not the centerfielder" Davis wrote about "Best Actor, No Nom": "Just two names: Jeff Bridges and Jim Carrey. Granted, a movie about a burnt-out, bowling-loving, pot smoking hippie cum private dick isn't exactly the type of flick to appeal to your typical Academy-type, but what a great job Bridges did as the Dude. I thought his performance was brilliant (one of just many in that overlooked film). And did anyone else notice his resemblance to John Heard's character in Cutter's Way (which also starred Bridges)? As for Jim Carrey, the guy was robbed. Talk about the performance of one's career. I don't know, perhaps people just are unwilling to see Carrey as someone other than a guy making fart noises. I've never been a fan, but I really thought that he should have gotten a nod. Pity."

E ME: Kind of a cranky column today, huh? Must be the movies. (I really didn't hate True Crime.) This weekend, it's Oscar Madness. And then, calm takes hold over the city that always sleeps. Ahh!