The Hot Button by David Poland

OSCAR® WEEKEND SPECIAL

BEST FASHION FAUX PAS: E! inviting Joan Rivers to alternately abuse and drool over stars on the red carpet. She has become the Jerry Springer of the Academy Awards.

BEST ELIA KAZAN STRATEGY: The best strategy would be Kazan's, by turning down the award when he gets it. There could be no better way to heal the wounds he has created. Being that he can't fully heal them, it would bring some honor back to the profession to show the insight and class that he didn't show in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee.

READER OF THE OSCARS 1: From Miami Scott: "OK, David. Having no life here in Miami I have to tell you that you are somewhat of a God to me... and your column is the bible or kabbalah or whatever of the Westworld I wish I knew better but, I have to know one thing -- You can't possibly think that the always horrible Gwyneth Paltrow actually has a shot at the title? Hell, if I slept with Brad at the beginning of my career, I'd be huge now, too. Hmmm... Got his number? :) Cate Blanchett is the only choice. A friend and I walked out of Shakespeare in Love thinking we had seen the rehearsal version or something -- Horrible, horrible, horrible. Must have played well in the square states. Your thoughts? Oh, and if Ian McKellan doesn't win, there is no god, only monsters."

BEST LAST MINUTE LAWSUIT: On Thursday, romance novelist Faye Kellerman went public with her lawsuit claiming that the concept for Shakespeare in Love was taken from one of her books. The story was covered on the Internet by Reuters/Variety.

BEST COVER-UP OF A LAST MINUTE LAWSUIT: By Friday afternoon, the story about Faye Kellerman's lawsuit didn't exist on the Reuters/Variety news database. And the story never turned up at all in the L.A. Times or The Hollywood Reporter. Apparently, Harvey Weinstein's power to push his favorites to the top of the heap is a bit more complex than the stupid, we-wish-we-had-a-story-so-we'll-
make-one-up "drama" of ad battles between Shakespeare in Love and Saving Private Ryan. He can make news disappear completely!

STUPIDEST OSCAR® CONTROVERSY: Well, I just told you, didn't I? I've written about it before and I'll write about it again. This whole thing about how much Miramax spent on Shakespeare in Love's Oscar campaign is a complete non-story. The only thing here that's new is that DreamWorks didn't want to spend the money and was open about its grousing. The only reason Saving Private Ryan isn't a clear favorite right now is that it came out in the summer. That always offers too much time for revisionist feelings about a film. If the Oscars were in August, Shakespeare in Love would be in the same trouble, but worse. I can hear it now: "It was cute and I love Little Gwynnie, but it was only a comedy and it wasn't THAT good." But then again, if the Oscars were in July, Weinstein would have opened SIL in May or June. He's no dummy. On the other hand, if Saving Private Ryan were a December release, it would be the sure bet winner and The Truman Show would have gotten more nominations as the unofficial "summer movie candidate." DreamWorks was hoping to have it both ways, with Ryan and The Prince of Egypt as Best Picture nominees, much like Miramax's SIL/Life is Beautiful tandem. But it didn't work because POE just didn't fly. It wasn't enough of an underdog. Maybe if they had called it Saving Pharaoh Moses, Weinstein would be the one bitching about an unfair advantage.

BEST CONFUSED NOMINEES: Sir Ian McKellen should have been nominated for Apt Pupil, not Gods and Monsters. Geoffrey Rush should have been nominated for Elizabeth and not Shakespeare in Love. Jane Horrocks should have been the actress nominated for Little Voice, not the wonderful but not-outstanding-in-this Brenda Blethyn. Shekhar Kapur should have gotten the Best Director nod over the great Peter Weir, who was the one responsible for both shooting The Truman Show brilliantly and then emasculating it in the cutting room. Scott B. Smith should be nominated for Best Original Novel, not Best Adapted Screenplay.

READER OF THE OSCARS 2: Jules: "OK, here's what to look for at the Oscars: Will Jack Nicholson have a front row seat AGAIN? Will little Gwyneth thank her parents first, her 'dear' friend Ben Affleck first or Harvey Weinstein first? (I vote for Harvey. I mean he created her much more than her parents.) Will any lighters go up when Aerosmith rocks (sarcasm there) with 'I Don't Wanna...' whatever the pathetic song is called? Who will bare the most cleavage? Or who will be baring more (a la Ashley Judd, last year)? How many times will Roberto Benigni's name be mispronounced? And will anyone actually become nauseous when Celine Dion sings (I know I will at home)?"

BEST ORIGINAL SONG ABOUT HOLLYWOOD: "Celebrity Skin" by Hole. An easy winner, the song gets showbiz better than any other in 1998. How about this sweet comment? "My name is might have been. My name is never was. My name's forgotten." Or this warm lyric? "You better watch out... what you wish for... it better be worth it... so much to die for." The Hollywood job search is dead on. "When I wake up in my makeup, have you ever felt so used up as this? It's all so sugarless. Hooker/waitress/model/actress. Oh, just go nameless." All of that, of course, leads to the ultimate statement of the deeply jaded, "You want a part of me. Well, I'm not selling cheap. No, I'm not selling cheap." As the old joke goes, we know what you've become, now we're just negotiating price. Courtney Love may be nuts, but she is much more the Hollywood icon than Madonna has been. She admits the darkness of the city. And her soul.

BEST REASON TO TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER DURING THE SHOW: Well, to talk back to me on Yahoo! Chat, of course. Come by for the Oscarcast, live from the press room, all night on Sunday. On Yahoo! Chat, from roughcut.com.

READER OF THE OSCARS 3: Mike from Austria: "Let me get right to my point: how can you even DARE to say that Shakespeare in Love isn't better than Saving Private Ryan? If we would only talk about SPR as a 20-minute movie with just the battle scenes, I would agree. But, unfortunately, we are talking about a kitschy, old-fashioned war movie with its good moments, hardly a piece of "historic cinema" if you look at it in whole. Shakespeare in Love, on the other hand, is just totally enchanting: poetic, intelligent and funny. That's something you cannot say often about a movie. Of course we all know SPR will win the Best Picture, but not because it's the better movie, or as one of my friends said, "Hell, it's an anti-war movie by Spielberg. They have to let it win." Still, I think it's just a shame to underrate all the contenders of SPR so much (or overrate SPR so much, however you look at it)."

BEST WHOOPI GOLDBERG JOKE NOMINEES: 1. Something about how only crazy white people would kill themselves trying to save Matt Damon. 2. Something about Steven Spielberg and Harvey Weinstein -- "two naked Jews mud wrestling." (What an image!) 3. Something about Roberto Benigni's upcoming comedy about Pol Pot. 4. Something about "pale-skin" Best Actress nominees -- Fernanda Montenegro, Cate Blanchett, Emily Watson, Meryl Streep and Gwyneth Paltrow. 5. Something about Clinton, Lewinsky and "The Thin White Line."

SECOND STUPIDEST OSCAR STORY: The Wall Street Journal (I can't link it for you, sorry.) is claiming that actors will get huge pay increases if they win the Oscar. Bull excrement. Little Gwynnie is raising her asking price by more than double because of the box office for Shakespeare in Love, regardless of whether she wins or not. Cate Blanchett is not going to get $3 million for her next picture, no matter how many awards she wins. But she would jump from $500,000 to $1 million. That's about what Oscar can do for you. No one gets a multi-million payday for an Oscar win. They often get more attention, especially up-and-comers like Blanchett. A guy like James Coburn can get hot again, like Jack Palance did for a couple of years. But it was City Slickers box office, not the Oscar or the push-ups that made him a seven-figure player. Same with Kathy Bates and Misery, though she didn't really get box office credit for that film. She and Glenn Close may be the most underpaid major actresses in town. It was a little shocking when I saw that it was the Wall Street Journal that was playing with this kind of Oscar hype. I expect the truth from the WSJ. In fact, they are the only ones that I expect the truth from. And they failed me this time.

READER OF THE OSCARS 4: Donner: "I am unphased by the nominees this year, probably just as bored as you are, Dave. But if Little Gwynnie beats out Cate for the Best Actress award, I will throw my pizza and beer all over Alamo Draft House and probably have to go hit someone just to right the wrongs in this world. My only consolation so far has been from Ted Casablanca's gossip channels where he's not heard of anyone so far who's voting for Little Gwynnie. We all know that someone out there is, though, and it's just wrong. Wrong."

E ME: I'll be working the big show with you all weekend. It's something worth getting ready for. And send me your Oscar reactions Sunday night if you want to see them Monday morning!