Weekend, 25-26 September 1999

NEWS BY THE NUMBERS

10. Turner Snubs Rupert's Baby: Thursday night in Los Angeles, Ted Turner spat in the face of arch-rival Rupert Murdoch by turning his attentions away from Murdoch's latest launch and getting in bed with Edgar Bronfman Jr. across town. This is clearly an indication that Time-Warner is ready to go to war with News Corp. for the long haul and Wall Street had better keep an eye out.

9. Drew Better Believe It: Word this week has it that Drew Barrymore will follow up her role in a re-make of "Charlie Angels" with a re-make of Barbarella. Reports seem to be conflicting about whether the film will have the tone of the Vadim camp classic or if it will take the more serious tone of the comic books. Personally, I would love to see a re-make of the Vadim version, but my choice for the role would be Reese Witherspoon, not Drew. There is such a wild child inside of Drew that without going to the extremes of geekdom that Never Been Kissed took her to, I'd never believe her sexily floating around the galaxy not quite sure what she was falling into or what was falling into her. But Ms. Witherspoon...yeah...sold American. Maybe Ryan Phillippe could direct.

8. Turner Critic Snubs Fox Film: Thursday night, the lead critic for TNT's roughcut.com didn't even bother to show up at a screening of Drive Me Crazy, the latest offering from Fox, whose owner, Rupert Murdoch, has a contentious relationship with Ted "The T in TNT" Turner. Instead, the critic, known for his taste and insight, went across town to a very early screening of Universal's The Bone Collector. Some have speculated that the critic was driven to the decision as a protest against the lack of African-Americans in Drive Me Crazy, while others suggest that he was protesting Melissa Joan Hart's lips and their limited size in comparison to Angelina Jolie's. Another ethnic issue. Perhaps. But what is clear from this report is that Melissa Joan Hart's movie career is over before it has begun and she had better start saving every dime she can from "Sabrina, The Teenaged Witch".

7. While Jean Claude Adores A Minuet: Jean Claude Van Damme and Jan Michael Vincent were both in trouble for hitting the sauce a bit too hard this week. What police missed was that Van Damme actually is Jan Michael Vincent, sent here in a time machine of Vincent's own construction, twenty years ago. The third incarnation of Vincent, Ryan Phillippe, got his hands on a better script and ended up sober and with Reese Witherspoon and a baby.

6. Turner Columnist Changes Mind: Thursday night, David Poland, who does review movies in his daily column, but does not contribute to the roughcut.com movie review area, decided that he didn't want to see Drive Me Crazy, but preferred to go across town to check out The Bone Collector. The decision by Poland, who recently has been seen thumbing his thumb at films on syndicated television, makes one thing clear: Drive Me Crazy is a dud and Melissa Joan Hart should stop taking her clothes off in those men's magazine immediately. On the other hand, all of Hollywood is buzzing about The Bone Collector. In fact, they are buzzing so much, police are worried that a copycat killer will emerge to start a grizzly series of murders even before the film is released. One story going around town is that the police are after Moriarty, the mystery man who sneaks into early screening s for Ain't It Cool News, suspecting him of at least three murders already.

5. Maslin Exits, Stage Right: What happens when the lead film critic for The New York Times retires? And the lead critic/hack for The New York Post moves on? And Gene Siskel passes away? And Bernie Weinraub gets mistaken for a film critic? Marketing departments all over Hollywood must be passing bricks trying to figure out who will be the next group to take the lead. I must admit, many of the publicists I know seem to be hip to the fact that some of us are actually hip to them these days. But I fear that the millennium will not mark any real change as the rotation of so-established-they're-boring-the-crap-out-of-me critics will just switch jobs yet again. We will get fooled again.

4. Dude Screws Up: Thursday night, David Poland, who writes for a Turner Website, forgot to take a second look at his calendar and ended up at the wrong theater for a screening. Coincidentally, there happened to be a screening of Universal's The Bone Collector at said theater. Poland tells us, "I screwed up. And I couldn't get across town to see the other movie. I feel like such an idiot." Moriarty couldn't be reached for comment. Maybe he's not a murderer after all. But from this, we should conclude that Mr. Poland needs a new appointment book. You see, it's not our fault for getting a story, which was irrelevant in the first place, wrong. We know what news is. We think. Uh...

3. Girls On Film: How did this one get past everyone? This is a great story! New Line has opened a new banner called ChickFlicks, empowered to focus on the women's market with abandon. Brilliant! It's about time a studio took their female skewing product out of the closet and let it breathe, even become a source of pride. As I've written repeatedly, this was a great year for films by and starring women at Sundance. Anything that keeps that fire going, even stokes it to higher levels, is great for women. But more importantly, it is great for movies. Huzzah.

2. Turner Columnist Exonerated: Fox and Time-Warner issued a joint press release today explaining that David Poland's R.S.V.P. for Drive Me Crazy was actually made by mistake because the Yahoo! Chat he thought he was going to do with Melissa Joan Hart was already booked by Yahoo! itself. Poland said: "I never intended to see Drive Me Crazy. I'm sure it is pure genius. I had a cold. My mother is sick. My dog ate my homework." Look for the complete story on "60 Minutes" in the spring.

1. Salute: George C. Scott is dead. Nothing else this week even comes close. And unlike buttons 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10, this is no joke. The man was one of the greatest ever. And a true iconoclast. Perhaps now he will be appreciated more fully than he's been by the under-30 crowd who have only seen his very best work on videotape.

READER OF THE DAY: I had to respond to your ROTD (THB 9/24): He's right. Sexuality is indeed a highly personal part of someone's life. But the ROTD mentions his wife, so presumably he's heterosexual. I'll imagine no one blinked when he did that. But in too many cases, homosexual men and women couldn't do the same thing without exposing themselves to ridicule, the loss of a job, or worse. You know, that's all most gay people want. Most gay people want to be able to kiss affectionately in public, or hold hands in line at the movie theatre without exposing themselves to jeering and stares. There is no gay "agenda." The vast majority of gay people want only to practice the little things your ROTD and his wife take for granted.

I am gay, I've spoken with and dated male actors who are gay (not Kevin Spacey, whom I've never met), then seen interviews in print and on television in which they lied outright and spoke about their "girlfriends." Enormously frustrating. How will we ever evolve as a society if gay people don't come out of the closet, and prove by example that homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed about?

I appreciate the sincerity of your ROTD and his wife, I really do. But at this stage in the game, for gay people, little things, little examples of living truthfully, mean the world. That can be a tricky concept for straight people to grasp. I realize this could be considered a radical statement, but if you're gay, you DO have an obligation to come out of the closet. Even if that means giving up a little bit of privacy, even if that means talking about parts of your life that straight people don't think twice about. If you're an adult, and live alone, and support yourself, there is no excuse for not coming out. None. For most of us, that simply means not lying to family, friends, co-workers and strangers. For actors and others in the public eye, that means not lying in print and on television.

Ben D. Scuglia

E ME: Okay. Dave's week of near-insanity is over. Not that I didn't mean every word I wrote (except, again, for the parody of bad journalism that inhabits the even numbered slots in today's New by The Numbers.) Also, just for the record, I asked Ben if he wanted his name printed with this letter and he said, "yes."

But what really struck me as I threw this together was: What current stars would you like to see in camp classics of the past?