Weekend, 18-19 November 2000

NEWS BY THE NUMBERS

This is a travel edition of News By The Numbers, as I wing into Chicago for the Thanksgiving week. Amazing that it's Thanksgiving already, no? Every time I mention it, I seem to get a blank stare. In any case, I'm somewhere over America and after waking up at 7 a.m. to see my third mystery movie of the month, which I'll be writing about next week, along with the other one that is still a mystery, I don't have web access or a lot of time. So, news will meet your e-mail as the numbers roll along. And next Monday, Tuesday
and Wednesday will be The Hot Button Oscar Launch Party, still shy a viewing of Traffic, Thirteen Days, Chocolat and All The Pretty Horses, but fairly complete all things considered. (I hope to see all three of those within a week of my return.)

10. From TDS:
I have not seen the movie
but what's a Who to do
but ask David Poland,
what is he trying to do,
funny, does he think,
he will not get a wink,
What is that fan?
No, she's as fake as his tan.
David with talent,
I do not think so Sam,
not in a plane
not on a train,
not in a car,
or at the bar,
so David stick to what you know,
and try not to be cute when critiquing a show.

(DAVID NOTE: I would take umbrage to the attack on the color of my skin, were I P.C. sensitive. It's fascinating to me that I have been attacked for blow drying my hair – something I haven't done since 1977 – and faking a tan, when I have never even worn tanning lotion. Oh well.)

9. Hurry Up Sundown: With theater chain after theater chain going Chapter 11, the latest casualty is the 3-year-old effort to launch a Sundance Theater chain. That's Sundance, as in the festival. Earlier this week, they pretty much called it off. Sundance was in business with General Cinema, which has been in 11 since October. The only hope left is a run at a two-theater investment, in Santa Monica and San Francisco. The irony is that the over-plexing of America seems to be ripe for a branding opportunity like this one with Sundance. Just as The Shooting Gallery is thriving in their relationship with Sony/Loews/Cineplex, Sundance has the clout and resources to feed the pipeline in a lot of markets that are over saturated by Hollywood product. In fact, a number of the Shooting Gallery films premiered and got attention at Sundance, but failed to get distribution otherwise. Of course, now that Sundance Cinemas has laid everyone off, the resurrection seems very unlikely.

8. From Carol:
Oh, how Carol laughed
When she read David's screed,
How she snickered and chortled
And grinned, yes indeed.
And the glow, just to know
That she wasn't alone —
That her grouchy "Grinch" verdict,
Complete with a groan,
Was echoed quite nicely —
And in strict rhyme, no less!
It was Thursday's true highlight,
She just had to confess.

She too had high hopes
When the movie unspooled,
Having loved "Grinches" past
At home and in school.
Her college production,
For which she did dances,
Had original songs
And took lots of chances.
(Cindy Lou Who sang opera,
To cite one example,
And the old Grinch tap-danced
To applause that was ample.)

But this new "Grinch" was different,
She realized with a sigh -
Too noisy and busy,
Bombastic, not sly,
With so much fake cheer
Piled high on the screen,
The tale's true meaning
Could hardly be seen.

Though Carrey and Max
Had their moments, no doubt,
Carol's immediate thought was
"Get me out, let me out!
I can't stand all this sweetness!
My blood sugar's too high!
If I sit here much longer,
I might start to cry!"

But, lucky for her,
As the movie went on,
Simple torpor took over,
And she started to yawn.
Then she started to snooze,
And (let's hope not) to snore,
Proving once and for all
That this "Grinch" was a bore!

Even so, Carol's grateful,
With Thanksgiving on tap,
That she's already seen it
And survived all the pap!
She can warn all her friends
If they ask what to see,
Saying “This ‘Grinch’ is a bust,
Watch the one on TV!”

I'm about out of rhymes,
So I'll end this at last,
With the hope your Thanksgiving
Is a turkey-filled blast,
With good friends and good food --
And then let us pray
That much better movies
Will soon come our way!

7. Bigger Companies Means Less Waiting: The difficulties of an entertainment universe dominated by 5 massive multinationals (News Corp, Vivendi, Disney, AOL/Time-Warner, Viacom) plus Sony, are only beginning to make themselves apparent. This week, one such conflict was highlighted in Europe, as Vivendi and News Corp broke off efforts to work together in the satellite TV and pay-TV business in Europe. Besides pressure from the European Union, the Vivendi/Universal merger made it all too complicated.
Meanwhile, Murdoch continues to eye American satellite service DirecTV and Barry Diller continues to surface in rumors about NBC, which might then become a part – or not – of the Vivendi family.

6. From Park Doggy Dogg:
"I read your column everyday,
But i think you may have lost your way.
I don't know why you felt it necessary to waste my time,
By asking me to decipher your silly rhyme.
Perhaps in the columns to come,
You could interpret for us some.
I who read you at work and usually just skim,
Am left feeling empty and somewhat dim.
Just stick to straight writing about the business behind the silver screen,
And my next email may not be so mean."

5. Deeper Cuts: There were rumors that 3000 Miles to Graceland, a Kevin Costner/Kurt Russell road movie, was unreleaseable. And Kevin Costner's tendency to bounce directors from post-production is infamous. So when the story hit the trades that Elie Samaha had both Costner and Kurt Russell delivering varying cuts of the film, following unsuccessful test screenings of first-time director Demian Lichtenstein's cut, you had to make a choice between deciding it was blood in the water, brilliant spin or both. I'll vote for both. The film is still likely to be a minor disaster – one Costner may be able to afford after 13 Days.

4. And This About That: For those of you who are sick of Samaha and his movies, you may be in luck. His block of financing from which we have gotten pictures like Battlefield Earth, The Art of War and Get Carter is, I gather, all used up by way of Driven, the project with Sylvester Stallone and Renny Harlin. And the money source he was using is dried up as well. German money is no longer what it was just two years ago… in part because of guys like Samaha. But this is Hollywood. You make your run and if you fail, you burn as brightly as when things were heavenly. Elie Samaha is likely to be a player whose name comes up for the decades. But his run of making movies for stars who couldn’t get the movies made themselves? It's probably over forever.

3. From B.S.:
Fantastically clever and chock full o' whimsy,
Your review was the best to come down my e-chimsey (give me some leeway here--I'm at work).
The ideas well-stated, the rhyming a hoot,
And your mad skilz alone earn a four-Grinch salute.
But why, oh why, for a movie you're dumping,
Did you write a review that gets our Grinch-blood pumping?
Which Who of the U-Whos are you currently humping?

2. From DKW:
I've said if before and I'll say it again:
The Internet's not always a movie fan's friend.
Oh sure, it might be fun to speculate on casting
But keep in mind most of these rumors aren't lasting.
The true movie fan wants a good story and not
To have some vile sneak leak a flicks' future plot.
We want surprises, adventure, romance and more,
Not to be inundated with spoilers galore!
What's the point of going if everything's known?
Isn't it better to leave the spoilers alone?
Would Empire Strikes Back be worth all the bother
If you already knew that Darth was Luke's father?
Critics take heed: Don't tell me the story,
I just want to know if it's not funny or too gory.
Tell me the actors gave a decent performance
Don't be plot-point and story informants.
The same goes for all you Internet junkies,
Don't publish scripts and spoiler pix -- Please.

1. From The Caboose:
The Grinch?... Ha!
I would not sit through The Grinch.
Not in a pinch.
Not in a clinch.
I'd rather be lynched.
Sir, please do not make me wince.
It is more than a cinch,
I will not be going to The Grinch.
Special effects are an unnecessary hook,
I quite already love the book.
Here, Rick Baker's skill is not at all a boon,
The story is already quite perfect as a cartoon.
Please now Brian Grazer don't have a cow,
I'd just rather see O Brother, Where Art Thou?
While Ron Howard might be miffed,
I prefer to catch The Gift.
Not to give Jim Carrey static,
But I'm waiting on Traffic.
Sorry boys, I want off your little franchise's wagon.
If you need me, I'll be out at Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

READER OF THE DAY: What? Are you kidding?

E ME: Yes, the negative emails were disproportionately represented today… my nature. But I thank all of you who took the time to rhyme. Not it's time for you to write about what you've seen… how are the movies?