Wednesday, 10 January 2001

RANTING & RAVING

I was going to do a "Was Entertainment Journalism Ever Alive?" piece to follow last week's "Is Film Criticism Dead?" piece, but my passion for smacking my own profession down has subsided as the flood of Sundance activity has risen like the blood of the Egyptian first born in the days of Moses vs. Pharaoh. (Of course, one of last year's choice shorts was Moses vs. Godzilla, which you can still see by clicking here.

But it is so much more than dealing with 20 different publicity outlets with 20 different agendas, some working together or against each other on the same pictures. It is more than trying to figure out what "looks good" amongst over 100 titles. It is more than trying to arrange special events with over 30 "special" promotional slots to fill, between roughcut's daily front page, daily Yahoo! chats, The Roughcut Dinners, potential KABC slots, etc, etc, etc.

Sundance, for roughcut.com, is our own little untelevised version of a reality show. High in the Utah mountains, 10 relative strangers will be thrown together to accomplish a daily goal or to die trying. Cliques will be built. Old wounds will be ripped open and new ones made fresh daily. Roommates will know more about fellow employees' sleeping habits than ever seemed reasonable. And you will have a chance, every day, to vote one roughcut staffer back to L.A.

Just kidding.

But it is kind of like Survivor meets The Real World meets Big Brother. The biggest difference is that no one is leaving and no one is getting a million bucks. And, unlike The Contenders: Series 7, no one is pregnant, dying of testicular cancer or packing a firearm… at least, not that we know of.

And now, here's your chance to get to meet our players (introduced in alphabetical order):

ANDY
Andy is the senior member of the squad, kind of our Rudy. He's cantankerous, tough and ready with a cutting remark. Turn your back on him for a second and you'll be reviewed to within an inch of your life. And the babes go for his teddy bear lovin'!

ALLI
Roughcut's rough and tumble east coast babe. Ready for any action, night or day, sweet or sour. She won't let a paradox left unturned, yet she turns head in her designer hot pants by Bob Mackie. Hi IQ and tough kung fu, all in one tough talking package. Just don't get her talking Descartes or you'll never get her out of the hot tub.

ELISABETH
A former indie publicist turned callous journalistic scamp, Elisabeth is ready to put everyone in their place. "You, 10:45 A.M. at the Shadow Ridge! You, you're late for a one-on-one at the Yarrow bar!" Yeah, she's detailed, but dainty. Has been seen in the past wandering Main Street looking for her lost talent. But she hasn't lost a thing.

HEATHER
Roughcut's most fiery redhead, Heather is no Feher-weather friend. She can turn you into a caricature or make you look like a movie star. She can make your content as easy to find as a poorly conceived publicity stunt on Main Street or you can be linked to a dead end. But when her sweet, sensitive side comes out, she's as gentle as a pussycat. Just don't surprise her or her inner Doberman will tear out your outer throat.

JENNIFER
Jennifer edits the copy for roughcut… when she's not flying across Los Angeles skies fighting crime. L.A.'s 10 day loss will be Park City's gain. When Kirk Honeycutt gets into trouble, she'll be there. If Mark Ebner pulls a gat on the Harry O doorman, she'll be there. And when Courtney Love comes to Park City, Jenn will be on full alert. Let's just hope she wears a warmer costume in that cold Utah air or we'll never get our copy fixed.

LAURA
The queen bee of roughcut.com, Laura is there to keep us all in line. Little did she know that when she signed on for this gig, she'd end up in the snow with nine children well past drinking age. If you see any of the roughcut crew standing in a corner, counting to 100, you'll know that Laura's been there. And if you wonder who that last babe dancing on the bar at Harry O's at 5 a.m., you'll know that you've met her.

MORGAN
As roughcut's official fashion plate, Morgan is a holly of a gal, but don't golightly on her. She's there to make sure that the rest of the press writes about what our members of the press are doing. We've also asked her to report on hell freezing over, since we expect the two activities to coincide. If you're walking down the street and see her smiling mysteriously, she may look like the Mona Lisa to you, but I'd check your fly.

RAY
Our house intellectual, Ray brushes his hair with a rake and wears geeky glasses with plain glass in them… the ladies dig it. Rumored to have bedded the entire cast of Coyote Ugly – during the junket – Ray also happens to write about movies. He's coming in from Chicago, which is 23 degrees colder than Park City this time of year, so you may see him wearing shorts and lots of sunscreen. And make no mistake, he likes it fast, tough and unsentimental. No, not the sex… the movies. Well…

ROD
By far the tallest of the roughcut team, Rod is accomplished at many things, but he is best used at Sundance when there is something you want on a really high shelf. That’s why he covers The Other Dances instead of the big dance. He sees the world from a whole different perspective. A WHOLE different perspective. Although he did not inspire the line from Blazing Saddles, "He uses his mouth purtier than a twenty dollar whore," he does his best to live up to that motto. (If he lets you get close, keep an eye out for the tattoo, complete with the image of Slim Pickens.)

That's the team. So now maybe you understand why I'm so worn out these days. Keeping up with this group is impossible. Just trying to make sure that they aren't boiling pasta in our hot tub is exhausting. And so it goes. Everyone in the tent… the roughcut circus is coming to town!

READER OF THE DAY: Philly Dan writes: "Using Jesse Jackson as a quote-whore for Chocolat shouldn't be too jarring for anyone familiar with Hollywood advertising tactics. Please remember that these are the same rocket scientists that came up with the brilliant strategy of headlining movie trailers with 'Academy Award Winner' and (my personal favorite) 'Academy Award NOMINEE', when an actor's name is introduced. It is not necessary for me to remind you that 90% of the flicks whose ads bore this staple, sank faster than you can say Leonardo DiCaprio-- Ahem! --I mean Titanic.

For myself, I prefer to hold off on finalizing my decision, on whether to see a movie or not, until I know which rapper's music is in the film. This nugget of information is helpfully displayed at the end of every hip movie commercial."

And Captain Junah writes: "Let's see. What other politicos could weigh in on their cinematic opinions:

"It was really sparkly!" George W. on Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

"I'da liked it more if she'd taken her top off!" - Bill Clinton on Ellen Burstyn's performance in Requiem for a Dream.

"He was a fag?" - Jesse Helms on Before Night Falls.

"Joan Allen is great as Pat Nixon!" - Hillary Clinton on The Contender.

"I think it's great those people are making movies!" - Colin Powell on Bamboozled.

"He was a poet?" - George Stephanapolous on Before Night Falls.

"What a plan Sandra must be on!" - Monica Lewinsky on Miss Congeniality.

"I didn't get it but I really liked it!" - Strom Thurmond on How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

"He was Cuban?" - Janet Reno on Before Night Falls.

E ME: Are you ready for some Sundance?