Weekend , 13-14 January 2001

NEWS WITHOUT THE NUMBERS

DRUGS DON’T KILL BRAINCELLS, SENATORS KILL BRAINCELLS: How twisted is the thinking of America’s leadership these days? Orrin Hatch is complaining that his cameo appearance in Traffic was intended to appear in what he thought was a PG-13 rated film. Hah! Like any serious drug movie would ever get a PG-13. Orrin, it seems, was "shocked and dismayed at the gratuitous amount of violence and profanity." Apparently, in Orrin’s view of the world, the drug business is violence- and profanity-free. "MoFo" stands for "Moms Forever." Crack whores are to be known of but not seen. And no one on Capital Hill curses. Unbe-f**king-lievable!

CROUCHING BANNER, HIDDEN MONSTER: Just when you thought that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was about as far into action as Ang Lee could go, he’s going a little further. He’s negotiating to direct the long-gestating live-action version of The Hulk for Universal. Yes, Ang Lee is directing a summer tent pole. One has to figure that Chow Yun-Fat could never be given the role of The Hulk, but look for Lee to find someone of similar stature and subtlety. Send in your picks. First one to suggest Billy Crudup gets it between the eyes. (Sorry, Billy. Love ya, but no.)

NARROWCASTING: A little preview of Best Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium can be found at the USC Scripter Awards, which celebrates books turned into movies. But Scripter also accentuates just how thin the adapted-screenplay category is this year. I had Chocolat on my list back around Thanksgiving, even without having seen it. Wonder Boys is a gimme. High Fidelity is a great choice. But All the Pretty Horses and House of Mirth could both end up with Oscar nominations, despite being thin movies. I understand that Quills is from a play, not a book. But where is Before Night Falls?

HO HO HO!: Have you dreamt of being in the movies? Hope you’re limber! Vivid Video is having an open casting call for "actresses," guaranteeing those chosen a "minimum six-figure" salary... but you better be able to turn yourself into a figure eight. They are very proud of the music-video careers of such Vivid stars as Cassidey, Dasha, and Raylene. Wonder how Shaun, Rudolph, and Sizzle feel about that. And all you have to do is send in a full-body swimsuit photograph and one headshot to their offices. If selected, you get invited to a "private party" in New York City. Don’t forget your kneepads.

TALES OF THE RENEGADE PENIS: Speaking of sexual perversity in show biz, I was one of many who received a photo of Tobey Maguire and his penis. The photo was presented as something from a major secret celebrity photo stash. Turns out that the roughcut staff (so to speak) had gotten the photo weeks before and that our crack graphics goddess, Heather, decided that it was a fake penis. Well, it turns out that it was a complete fake disrobing, as the real photo, which has since arrived in my e-mail box, shows Tobey in a completely closed robe. I guess that really funky promotional campaign for Sony’s Spider-Man featuring the NC-17 rated organic web shooter is out.

STOP IT!: I like Inside.com. I really do. I wouldn’t pay $30 a month to read anything in it or even charge TNT to give me access, but I like the writers and there is some good stuff in there. But why do they continue to humiliate themselves by trying this cheap branding trick called The Inside Line? Basically, Michael Cieply writes up the week of buzz and gossip about Oscar, just like everyone else, and then they put a number to it as though there were some quantifiable way of analyzing the vote. It’s nuts! And it is shoddy journalism. And I’m being nice! Here’s the news -- some Oscar voters like Sean Connery’s performance in Finding Forrester. No surprise to me. I ran that he would be nominated and win when I wrote a piece about the film before Christmas. And I still believe that, had Sony gone hardcore in selling the movie, he would have been nominated and won. And who knows... it still could happen in this strange Oscar year. But Inside.com writes: "Connery’s a comfortable choice for those aging Academy voters, and jumps a spot on the building buzz to No. 7 with 284.2 points on The Inside Line." 284.2 points?!?!?! Are they out of their minds?! What is the ".2"? Was it something overheard in a Ralph’s checkout line, but it was in the "10 Items or Less" line, so it was only worth two-tenths of a percent, whereas had a housekeeper with a $500 grocery bill said that her boss said it, it would be worth 1.2 points? Geez!

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE: Michael Williams, a British actor, who happened to be married to Dame Judi Dench, passed away this week, losing a long fight with lung cancer. I knew the couple as a couple because of the BBC series A Fine Romance, which I caught in America via PBS. Very sweet. I also saw a great South Bank Show on Dench in which the love between man and wife was very evident. He will be missed.

THE FUTURE IS HERE: Up at Sundance, there will be a "Gen-Y Studio." Do you think they’ll let me in? What really caught my eye was the mention in the press release that "high school students from the United States, Afghanistan, Israel, and the Balkans will meet with representatives from national and international media organizations and festival filmmakers to discuss the art of film." That, my friends, is funky. But it gets more specific: "The Gen-Y Studio will welcome participants from Afghanistan refugee camps, Appalshop Media Arts and Cultural Center (Whitesburg, KY), Balkans Sunflowers (Balkans), Black Media Foundation (New York City), Downtown Community Television Center (New York City’s Chinatown), Higher Ground Learning (Salt Lake City, UT), Israel (a Jewish Israeli and Palestinian), Native American students from five different tribes, Ogden High School (Ogden, UT), Thomas Jefferson Media Arts Academy (south Los Angeles),West High School (Salt Lake City, UT), Just Think Foundation (Balkans and inner-city San Francisco), and the national network Listen Up! is participating with five students from different parts of the country." We ARE the world.

READERS OF THE DAY: From The V.C. -- "An open message to distributors re: rumors about rental pricing policies. I own over 450 DVDs now. And I am still buying. All you distributors out there, don’t do it. I never rent, and if you think that I will if you insert another window between me and my purchasing a DVD will force me to rent, you’re wrong. It will be just that much longer until you get my money. Most people have bought DVD players because the movies are priced for sell-through when they are released on DVD. And while I am talking, I want the Godfather movies, Forrest Gump, Star Wars (all four of them), Indiana Jones (all three of them), The Joy Luck Club, the second season of The Sopranos, A&E get off your butt, and start putting together some Biography sets or sets of some of your other shows. How about some more classics, like Laura, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, or the Orson Welles version of Jane Eyre? I am still very happy with DVD and look forward to more movies being released. But don’t ruin the momentum by getting greedy."

And this from My Cheri Amour -- "Add this to your list of bad ads. Last night, I saw a TV spot for AntiTrust that featured extended shots of an Everclear music video interspersed with a few (very few) shots from the film. The voice-over intoned ‘featuring Everclear’s smash hit...’ It sounded like one of those CD-hawking moments after Dawson’s Creek. Now, as a 25-year-old, non-techie female, I don’t think I’m the target audience so that may be the problem. But this seemed like the strangest way to sell a movie I’ve ever seen. Have you seen this? Just thought I’d mention it."

E ME: Cigars, Cigarettes, Snarky Comments?