I am amazed how disconnected a f-ed up phone system can make me… and how many hours I have spent on the phone – mostly on hold – trying to get my questions answered and my phones working right.  As a result, I trust no one with more than one prompt required to speak to a human being… at least not until next week.

POKE’ THE MOVIE:  So, Harvey “Slice-O-Matic” Weinstein has acquired the rights to the next two Pokemon movies.  So, I guess it’s “Ben Affleck IS Pikachu!!!  Claire Danes IS Meowth!!! Billy Bob Thornton IS Professor Oak!!!” 

Or not.

There are a few oddities in the coverage of this story by other media.  First, people seem oblivious to the fact that the next Pokemon films, like the last Pokemon films, have all been released in Japan and that every dollar earned in the U.S. is profit.  These films are all available in Japan on DVD already.

Second, if you are thinking of buying into the “Harvey wants to start a family label” theory, please look at Princess Mononoke.  There was a film of a quality never approached by anything in the history of Pokemon.  Yet, as star studded as Miramax made the voices, the film only ever generated $2.3 million domestically… or less than its domestic production budget, which consisted primarily of dubbing sessions.  Do you really think that Harvey Weinstein is now chasing animation with seemingly worn out franchise of poor quality?

Finally, people don’t seem to be making the obvious connection… Harvey Weinstein isn’t trying to fill a pipeline headed towards a family label.  However sincere the Weinstein, it is Disney that now owns a competitive animation franchise in the U.S.  Maybe Pokemon has lost all its juice in America and maybe it hasn’t… the video money has still got to be pretty good.  Maybe there will be characters at a Disney theme park or maybe there won’t be.  But one thing is sure… for almost no investment, there is now 0% chance that another studio will get in the way of a Disney family release with a pocket monster.

NOT JUST FOR CHICKS:  I really like the movie Crush.  I liked it so much, I was happy to make it my closing night film at the Miami Film Festival.  And it’s not like I was mainstreaming.  Opening night on the beach was the 20^th anniversary of One From The Heart and opening night at Gusman was the North American premiere of Vidas Privadas, the Argentinean picture that should have been up for the Oscar this year.  But I though Crush was a very solid piece of entertainment that also managed to push the emotional envelope a bit harder than its successful cousins, Four Weddings and A Funeral and Notting Hill. 

So why is Sony Classics selling the film as a pure chick flick, quoting only critics from women’s magazines and emphasizing the chickiness of it all?  I don’t know.  I guess this is the feedback they’ve gotten after Sundance and other screenings.  The film certainly does skew female.  It also skews a bit older, as all three beautiful leads are women over 40.  But what seems like a natural date movie to me screams “niche!!!” in all its advertising. 

I’ve been persona non grata for suggesting that a particular film deserved better than the way it was marketed/distributed before.  And studio execs, particularly Sony Classics’ Bernard & Barker, were very generous with me as a festival director in spite of that.  Miramax failed to do this year with Amelie and In The Bedroom what Sony Classics did last year with Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon… either at the box office or at the Oscars.   Sony Classics is the one division outside of home video that’s making money in the film business for Sony.  

But with all that ass kissed… I wish you were selling Andie MacDowell  having sex in the bushes… and the couch… and the pews, etc, etc, etc.   And I hope that the success of the film proves you right and me wrong.

WELLS BELLS:  Talking to Li’l Jeff about his source who saw the Spidey screening, I heard that the source was complaining after seeing the film, as I did in this column last week before seeing a frame of the film, that they had wasted the great Willem Dafoe by putting him in a metal mask that allowed no acting.  As I told Jeff, I believe that the reason for this abortion of an idea was that only a smooth surfaced mask would allow the CG boys to match The Green Goblin to the masked Spiderman in duel shots.  And that is a disgusting reason to change how you dramatize a character in any film… even Spider-Man.  And Sam Raimi & Co. will be hard pressed to come up with any better excuse about the choice… though I am sure we will hear some in a couple weeks, after the junket.   Ironically, I think that George Lucas, who Wells and others have pilloried for making the Star Wars sequels into a vast CG wasteland, would feel the same way as I do.  There may be a childishness or an emotional simplicity to The Phantom Menace or to the Ewoks of Return of the Jedi, but Lucas’ passion for making the CG believable and not just CG for CG’s sakes is admirable. 

THE PROMO GOES ON:  LA Entertainment slut Sam Rubin continued his journey into Disneyana with stop at the company’s new animal park in Orlando.  Segment after segment of promotion ensued.  But not to be confused with a one-john whore, Rubin did a promo for Artisan’s Van Wilder from Orlando, introducing the introduction of éclairs back on the set in Los Angeles.  (Little did Gabrielle Fernandez & Co. know that the éclairs they were eating were part of a gag – literally – that had the “good guys” filling éclairs with horse semen before delivering them to the “bud guys,” who not only eat the éclairs, but are virtually bathed in the filling/semen… another lame joke made lamer by trying to make it really, really funny, milking it – if you’ll forgive the pun – to the point that would bore a peek-a-boo playing infant.

In any case, I got a lovely letter from a fan of Sammy’s local WB station, which is still owned by the Tribune Corporation, asking “Why doesn't the ethics code that all Tribune Co. newspaper reporters must sign, annually, not apply to people on Tribune-owned TV and radio stations, e.g. Sam Rubin? Tribune reporters are not allowed to go on studio-paid junkets, accept gifts of value or write about film festivals they participate in on panels or as judges, unless their papers pay the expenses.  The truth is, Tribune Co. doesn't consider Sam Rubin to be any more of a journalist than Sammy Sosa. He's on-air "talent," and the usual rules don't apply.”

 Hmmm….

WEIRD STORY:  When I saw the headline that there was a lawsuit over a fake Britney Spears, I was wondering.  And when I read the story, it turned out to be one of those rare, great freak stories. 

It seems that Susan Santodonato of Buffalo, New York died after being jostled and falling to the ground at a fake Britney appearance at a local radio station.  To be more specific, her family says she was pushed or fell as the crowd tried to get a glimpse of Fake Britney and that “an autopsy concluded a blow to the head caused an abnormal heartbeat that lead to her death.”

Would it have been okay if she slipped or was pushed as a result of Britney Spears actually being at the radio station?  Doe sit matter whether she slipped or was pushed?  Would she be suing if she slipped in the parking lot after stopping by the station to pick up free tickets or something?  Would she sue New York if she fell on Fifth Avenue?

The suit is for $1.2 billion,  which presumably one-hundredth of a percent of that amount  they will happily settle.  I’d settle for the lawyer on the case being jailed for 30 days and being forced to write “I will not file absurd lawsuits while people are dying in the war zones and children are going hungry” one million times.

READERS OF THE DAY:  The Showgirl’s Friend writes:  “I don't need any exotic concessions, but I would happily, gleefully pay extra money to see a film that is properly framed and lamped, and one where

there is no extraneous light bleeding onto the screen or sound bleeding through the walls.  Of all the advantages supposedly available at the ArcLight out there in LA, the simple lack of TV commercials is the one that appeals most to me.  I've been saying for years I'd be willing to pay extra for these simple things, but so far no one has listened.  They require, mind you, no investment in any kind in new equipment.  If exhibitors would just do what they're supposed to be doing in the first place - I swear to God I'd pony up for it.

But while we're on the subject of simple, no brainer solutions, here's another.  You know how modern movie screens are porous, with lots of little holes in them to allow for the speakers directly behind them, and you know how these speakers all have shiny metal brackets that shine reflected light from the projector back through the screen?  Of course you do.  So why don't they send an usher down to the hardware store, have him spend two bucks on a can of flat-black Krylon and paint over those fuckers so they won't distract

me anymore?  In fact, if you're in the business of building speakers for movie theaters, why would you even ship...  okay, now I'm making too much sense. 

I would be so happy to pay ten or twelve bucks to get into a place where somebody thought about this stuff.  I hope the ArcLight pays off.”

And this from The Canadian Chainsaw:  “I'd easily spring $25.00 bucks (that's Canadian, and about double most multiplex prices) for a comfy seat, ample leg-room, my own armrests and a decent place to set down my drink and snack.  At a movie place in Acapulco I was at a couple of years ago, the seats reclined, and even with my legs stretched right out, I couldn't reach the seats in front of me.  And the ticket price there was about $5.00 US.

As for concessions, I drink bottled water and occasionally have some chocolate.  What I would like to see for sale is some movie-related stuff.  How about the latest issue of Premiere or EW for while you're waiting for the film to start?

All this of course is window dressing - I'd sit on an old paint can if the film was as good as the Godfather - but it's window dressing that there's a market for.  I've heard tell of 'luxury rooms' at some big-market multiplexes, with leather armchairs and wait-staff.  I'd be willing to pay, for sure. 

Make it happen, Dave.  You've got the power!”

 

E ME:  I wish I did?  What would you do if you “had the power?”