What an odd upcoming weekend…

You have one film, so much believed in by its studio that they are already preparing to make a serious bid for an Oscar slot.  (No matter what idiotic balloon you have to burst, believe me, it is the first and only Best Picture contender so far.)   But even though the Road to Perdition is the road to hell, it seems like the studios releasing the other three films are feeling the heat of fire and brimstone, as they all but run away with their hair on fire. 

Meanwhile, Sony has already given up any hopes that Men in Black II will hold down the fort in any major way, with Jeff Blake essentially conceding that there will be a 50 percent or better drop this weekend, no matter how light the new competition.  Speaking of which, there is a short before MiB2, which will also appear in front of the upcoming Stuart Little 2.  It introduces the adorable Meeper, a creation of Sony Pictures ImageWorks animation division.  (Everybody now – “Awwwwww!”)  There was a lovely story about Meeper and ImageWorks in Variety earlier this week.  But what the trade forgot to point out was that choice to attach the five-and-a-half minute short to the two features was a little more desperate than inspired… both stunningly expensive Sony films came in under 90 minutes, the traditional minimum for a feature release.  In fact, Stuart Little 2 is, according to friends in exhibition, only 78 minutes long.  That puts it right up there near the top of the most-expensive-films-per-minute category.  Of far greater concern, however, are reports that tracking is skewing very young… pre-teen.  I still think that Disney screwed the pooch by not being bolder in chasing after adults and older teens with Lilo & Stitch, their best movie in years.  So, Stuart Little could be an excellent family film and still fall short because of its limited appeal… a cute little duckie doesn’t really help the cause. 

KEANU TO YOU:  Warner Bros. has set a date for The Matrix: Reloaded and a release plan for The Matrix: Revolutions and it is… zzzzzzz…. oops, did I fall asleep?  The big news is that they are opening on Thursday, the week before Memorial Day, instead of Friday.  Zzzzzzz…. sorry.   X-Men 2 has the Spidey slot, guaranteed to disappoint by Spidey standards, but to open even bigger than the original X-Men film.  But Fox is the studio that seems the least interested in prioritizing image over the bottom line (when not fronting for Steve or George) and will happily ride a $65 million start to a $200 million domestic total and laugh all the way to the bank. 

This is also why there is little chance that Minority Report will be an Oscar contender.  Fox just won’t spend the money.  They didn’t do it for Cast Away two years ago.  They got sucked into the fervor on Moulin Rouge last year.  But despite the Golden Globe win, the campaign, combined with the fact that they were out in video/DVD before the award season even really began, meant that they probably put more money in than they took out as a result.  Expect to see Minority Report in your local video store in time for Thanksgiving with Catch Me If You Can standing as Spielberg’s Oscar entry for 2002.

The third Matrix film will open in 2003 also, but not in the slot that would be, like the title, revolutionary.  No, forget the August release… though I will still push for it because it is exciting just to think about it.  Holiday 2003 is what they are saying.  My guess is that what that means is early November 2003, because with a franchise as powerful as The Matrix, any release date automatically becomes an event.  So why spend the money to open Thanksgiving or to compete against the last Lord of the Rings movie?

ALSO FRANCHISING:  So, the Wolfgang Petersen “Batman vs. Superman” project has gotten the greenlight.  There really is no one in the WB family better suited to the material and capable of delivering the action, except perhaps Mr. Donner.  The truly stunning “get” would have been Steven Spielberg, who was absolutely born to do a Superman movie.  It’s hokey and sci-fi and family and intensely visual.  Anyway, Petersen has the dark soul that should make the Andrew Kevin Walker script for BvS fly, figuratively. 

The question that goes unanswered is what this greenlight means for the other Batman and Superman projects sitting in active development at the studio.  It’s hard to imagine the now conservative studio going forward with another B or S flick for 2005 before seeing how this one plays out.  Also unanswered is exactly what the budget is on this thing.  How it could be budgeted at any less than $150 million is a mystery to me.  Petersen is not exactly a low budget guy, though he has done relatively modestly budgeted films like In The Line of Fire. 

If Sony’s Spider-Man summer has had any odd effect, it is in legitimizing $130 million budgets again.  They have three movies of that budget level and at least two of them will make money this summer.  Word is that Disney is holding the line on The Alamo and that budget is the real reason behind Ron Howard’s exit.  If Disney is the leader in anything but animation, it is the self-awareness of budgets cutting into the bottom line of their successes, not just their failures.

Remember, it was Disney, then Katzenberg’s Disney, that cried out for leaner budgets after Dick Tracey became the first movie to gross $100 million and still lose – or come close to losing - money.  The next flair went up over Armageddon, which made about $600 million worldwide, but cost over $200 million to produce, making it a huge risk and far less profitable than it should have been.  That led to the “tight” $140 million budget on Pearl Harbor… a budget limitation that kept the company from bleeding a lot of red ink after all those deferments got paid Affleck, Bay & Bruckheimer got theirs. 

Finally, why is the film called Batman vs. Superman when every report I’ve read has the duo teaming up?  Maybe they will retitle it as Revenge of The Superheroes, then decide that it’s Return of the Superheroes. 

COMING:  Welcome to the movie column world, Joe Leydon.  Joe has taken on a slot for IndieWire (which coincidentally has just started a revamp of its site), examining the business of indie film.  His first column is here.

GOING:  Spiders are going to make you laugh.

Eight Legged Freaks is coming and it is more fun than it has any right to be.  But before you get your challenge hat on… the CG sucks, the script is laughable and you don’t get to see Scarlett Johansen have sex.  Those are all reasons that you will like this movie, believe it or not! 

Dean Devlin, writers Randy Kornfeld (co-story) and Jesse Alexander(co-screenplay) and first time director/co-writer Ellory Elkayam have made a good old-fashioned monster movie with the latest effects done so far over the top that they might have embarrassed Ray HarryhausenarryhausenmHarr.  You’re never really scared because of the brilliant, taut tension… you’re scared because giant spiders are icky and they jump at you a whole lot.

When someone asks how many spiders got contaminated and the answer is 200, you can be sure that the next scene will feature thousands of spiders.  When there are dead bodies around, be assured that they will make squishy, crunchy sounds.  When the creepy spider wrangling guy explains the different kinds of spiders, be sure that we will get to see them all, really big and doing what he sets up… and that by the hour mark, we won’t be trying to make any of it make sense. 

Eight Legged Freaks is in the family of Lake Placid and Anaconda, but it’s a kissin’ cousin.  Anaconda got laughs by taking itself sooooo seriously.  Lake Placid got laughs because it was basically a David Kelley episode, loaded with characters with quirks, which happened to include an absurdly giant gator.  (Or was it a croc?  Who cares?!?!)  Eight Legged Freaks is less ironic.  It’s like the greatest episode of Green Acres ever, where everyone but Oliver and Lisa and Arnold Ziffel could have their head ripped off at any minute by giant bugs that Eb created by mistake.

The cast is terrific.  David Arquette finally found a role that allows him to be a straight leading man while using the manic energy that has made him so hard to cast.  Kari Wuhrer is a soft-core porn icon, but she has actually got a sexy charm that has been apparent since MTV’s Remote Control, so casting her as a mother of two who carries a gun and a baton is funny kink.  The funniest unintentional gag is that young Scarlet Johansen  (just turned 17) has the actual breasts that Ms. Wuhrer paid for a number of years ago.  Johansen has the beauty to be “the girl,” but she has the quirkiness and talent as an actress to be a real movie star.  Rick Overton is aging into being a nicer Rick Duccomon, but he shows us a glimpse of a long future as a caricature actor here.  And Eileen Ryan adds class – and the inevitable dream that her son, Sean Penn, might have made this movie in the Arquette role, just to hang with mom for a few months.  With due respect to Arquette, Penn’s presence would have turned a really fun film into a true classic of the genre, much as the presence of Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High have elevated that movie in the history of film.

The only real question is, why isn’t WB exploiting Ms. Johansen in the advertising?  They seem to be missing the young boys who would show up for her special effects alone.

So here it is… leave your brain at the door.  Get ready for your date to grab you hard – could get real interesting in a stadium-seating theater.  And go for the ride.  Eight Legged Freaks is definitely the best goof of the summer… at least until XXX arrives.

I’ve been trying to come up with the right pull quote, but it’s tough.  How about, “This is the stupidest movie I’ve ever loved!”  or “Eight Legged Freaks Bites!” or “Eight Legged Freaks sucks the brains out of the sci-fi genre and fills it back up with a venom of laughs!”  or “Bring Your Diapers!” or  “Funnier Than Starship Troopers… and the breasts are real!!!” or “Being Dumb Never Felt So Good!”  See… desperate.  I’m sure they’ll go with Earl Dittman saying, “More fun than a barrel of porcupines!”

HIDING:  According to the NY Post, Anita Busch is in hiding.  Apparently, she turned over the wrong rock in her efforts to report on Steven Seagal’s former mob connections.  While the Post reports that Anita found a broken windshield, a note saying, “Stop!” and a dead fish in a toolbox in front of her home one night, I presume that Seagal’s alleged current mob would have left a rose-tinted windshield, a note saying “Feel!” and a plate of fresh sushi for Anita.  Meanwhile, reporters all over town are trying to figure out how to pin this one on Mike Ovitz.

But seriously folks…

Apparently, Anita has stopped, which, given her tenacious nature, had to be difficult for her.  But a good death threat over a bunch of crappy movies will do it nine out of ten times.  The tenth time is Mark Ebner, who would eat the fish, write “Prensa” on his windshield and tell friends that he just got back from a trip to Central America with Ollie Stone, deliver his story and then disappear for eight months, except for appearances in AOL chat rooms under the member name FuckYou239. 

Then again, there are some people who think the whole thing is a little fishy… after all, it was leaked to a gossip column and Busch’s journalistic integrity was just publicly questioned by the Vanity Fair article on Ovitz, her close relationship with Ron Meyer being one of the few things in the article that wasn’t pulled apart or denied.  Nothing like a hard news story to toughen the image.   

And what exactly does a fish in a toolbox mean?   The dead fish arrived in Luca Brassi’s bulletproof vest.  So are they calling Anita a “tool” or rather vulgarly, a “box,” or were they planning on attaching a bomb to her undercarriage before realizing that instead of the bomb, they brought Momo’s lunch and just left it there in disgust.  (Cannolis would have been better.)

Anyway, hope to see and read you soon, Anita.

READER OF THE DAY:  The Fibber adds some much needed culture to this column: “i went to moma in san francisco and saw yes: the works of yoko one. well, if someone had told me that i'd be raving about this, i would have thought they were mishuga, but i loved it! 

granted there were some of the odd things that she did, but the good stuff was great. 

there is a plexiglass maze, called amaze.  it's maybe 20' X 20' and in the center if a toilet.  the idea is to walk though it slowly with you hands in front of you.  what is so great is that because the walls are transparent, you become part of the exhibit.  it's like life, where we go about doing our thing, yet not really paying attention to those around us, particuarly those that might be watching us.  in fact, i'd say it's like acting: being private in a public space.

another piece that was really kewl was her wishing tree.  you write down ur wish on a tag and hang it on the potted ficus tree.   there were some happy ones like "ice cream for all" and "laughter for everyone", the usual, "peace on earth", some sad, "give chirstine the strength to live and to die,"  "J & G play together again" and the skanky, "for great bj, call me at..."

E ME:  Should Yoko go into hiding?   Will you freak for Freaks?  If the mob was going to leave your most hated industry type a message, what would you want them to leave?  And can you wait for tomorrow to find out what a piece of doody Reign of Fire is?