Huh, Baby!?!?!

There are two wide releases this weekend, both of which are based on franchises (one movie, one theme park) and both of which almost make the grade.  It’s a mild distraction to think about the Country Bear Jamboree when one sees Disney’s The Country Bears.  But with Austin Powers in Goldmember, it is virtually impossible to watch the movie outside of the vacuum of the first two Austin Powers films. 

There was a brilliant idea in a Disney office when someone pitched the concept for The Country Bears.  Here is a company franchise that is exclusively based on a live show at the two Disney theme parks.  What is the story?  Well, what if we did The Blues Brothers, except with country music and bears?  It might sound wacky at first, but think about it.  The blues plays to an older audience, but the car wrecks, Belushi and celebrity musical appearances made it cool enough for older teens.  Country music is a family thing.  The adults won’t be put off by the “family entertainment” elements and the kid won’t be put off by the music, because they have the bears.  Makes sense to me.

The story is cellophane-close to The Blues Brothers.  True believers go on the road to get the band back together in order to save a building from being demolished.  (In The Blues Brothers, it was an orphanage.  Here, it’s The Country Bear Hall.)   The ringleader is a little kid/bear, who is seeking his true self after being adopted and raised by a family of humans.  (That whole element is kind of odd and uncomfortable, as the brother sees that Beary is obviously not human, but everyone else pretends he is.  There is cruelty in there somewhere, but it’s hard to decide whether it’s the brother, who is vying for his parents’ love, or the parents, who hide the boy/bear’s origins long beyond what seems reasonable in this day and age… is that really funny?)  The boy/bear, accompanied by the roadie/drummer who’s been living in the tour bus for years, and the band’s old manager, go from location to location, gathering members of the band. 

Like The Blues Brothers, band members can be found at: a fancy restaurant (in this case a country club), a roadside diner and a rundown bar that has surprisingly good bands playing.  The group then has to get back to the hall in time to do a show and get the money to the bad guy in the nick of time.  

The problem with The Country Bears is in its execution.  I don’t know what happened as the film developed, but the country stars are not, for the most part, iconic.  A few big names sing as bears and when that happens, the film might point it out.  But what percentage of the audience will laugh at the sight of Bonnie Raitt and Don Henley without some clearer suggestion of who they are.  I guess it’s kind of like Frank Oz as the jail clerk in The Blues Brothers.  But they didn’t get the Cab Calloways or the Trisha Yearwoods of the world as the known quantities.

My first reaction to the film was to abuse it for using old technology for the bears… basically, less sophisticated versions of the animatronic head used in Labyrinth 16 years ago.  But on reflection, I think it may be a good fit.  The bears in the Jamboree are animatronic and this is, in most ways, an old-fashioned movie. 

The other film The Country Bears is reminiscent of is The Muppet Movie, particularly in how they use their name actors.  Christopher Walken is “The Bad Guy.”  Unfortunately, he never really dances.  Queen Latifah is A Bar Owner.  Unfortunately, she never sings.  Elton John is The Superstar Cameo.  Unfortunately, he never sings.  Daryl “Chill” Mitchell and Diedrich Badder are The Funny Cops.  They are good.  But not all that famous.  I assume that Jennifer Paige has some sort of following.  And she sings.  But I didn’t recognize her as anything more than a cute blonde who could sing.  (Not surprisingly, she has a recording contract with Disney’s Hollywood Records.)   Really, the only famous act that gets to play is Brian Setzer… and he’s known for big band and rock, not country.

Perhaps Disney couldn’t get record labels, theoretically in competition with Hollywood Records and, through conglomeration, in direct competition with a variety of Disney arms to allow their acts to appear in this film.  But that doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Maybe the studio thought they had enough juice in the Bears franchise alone and didn’t want to spend the money to make this an all-star movie. 

I don’t know.  But what I do know is that The Country Bears wastes an exceptionally good idea.  A country music age-crossover movie seems viable.  But instead, we get a movie that doesn’t really deliver for country music fans or for family audiences, which are better off, seems to me, with Stuart Little, which has gotten praise from a vast majority of the critics out there.

YOU MEAN, OLDMEMBER?:  Austin Powers to The Spy Who Shagged Me was a leap much like Rocky to Rocky III.  The pieces were the same.  The players were the same.  But there was a definite upturn in style and production values.  I would make the argument that Rocky was superior to its sequel, but in Austin Powers’ case, I would say that the sequel was a step up.  The second film scored on both the iconography of old spy movies and by topping its own inventions. 

Liz Hurley was perfect for the idea of this series, but Heather Graham took the coyness out of the sexuality.  The opening dance sequence in the first film is terrific, but Dr. Evil and Mini-Me’s “Just The Two Of Us” was inspired genius.  Robert Wagner as Number Two in the original was very clever, but Rob Lowe doing Robert Wagner in Shagged Me was, again, inspired. 

Where do you go from there? 

I don’t know.  And I don’t think that Mike Myers and Company really knew either.  They added Michael Caine… a great idea.  And they added another genre to the mix with Foxy Cleopatra, introducing Beyonce Knowles, who may well become a movie star.  They even try to spin Mini-Me.  But none of these additions really play, because the movie is too busy, this time, reflecting on itself.

New analogy.  Goldmember is to The Spy Who Shagged Me as Superman III is to Superman II.  The obvious difference here is that there was a change of director in the Superman series and Jay Roach has stayed the course – and improved as a director - through the Powers series.  But Superman was a “straight” movie.  Superman II, with parts shot by Dick Donner and parts shot by Richard Lester, was a perfect combination of Donner’s respectful, smart, sly style and Lester’s comedic bent.  Superman III was all about Lester and as a result, it was trying too hard to be funny. 

I was reminded the other day of Fat Bastard’s “I eat because I hate myself and I hate myself because I eat” run in Shagged Me.  There is nothing that subtle in Goldmember.  Same with “Just The Two of Us.”  It was brilliant because it was gentle at the core.  Dr. Evil really did love his clone. 

Goldmember’s ad campaign gets the tone right… it is all on the level of getting hit in the balls with a globe.  Heeeee-larious!  Michael Caine is wonderful and wasted, because the film never settles down to really work that relationship.  He’s Powers’ father because they both chase girls and they both wear Caine’s glasses from The Ipcress Files.  But in the Austin Powers I’ve liked so much before, they would have had quirks.  Caine might have slept with Foxy Cleopatra while Austin listened outside, relegated to child status.  And Powers Sr. might well have invited him in for a 3-way… gross, but fitting the tone of a movie that does jokes about pulling things out of your ass.  And that’s just one dumb idea.

But the point is that the franchise has succeeded on the joke and then the spin on the joke and then the spin on that joke.  Goldmember is so self-aware that it has the feel of a performance by a six-year-old at a party that is impressive and charming at first, but which quickly becomes a grating imposition, no matter how skilled the child. 

ADDED NOTE:  There is a 90 second gag in Goldmember, which is inspired.  Unfortunately, it never goes anywhere and kind of misses a golden opportunity.  I don’t want to explain further, as not to ruin the surprise(s).  But someone should have been watching the last act of Blazing Saddles if they really wanted to see how clever and truly integrated this kind of thing could be.

ONE MORE NOTE:  I tend to think that the last minute nature of Goldmember is a big part of the reason it is so weak.  The movie came together in a hurry after Myers’ debacle over the Dieter movie got settled.  They wrote, shot and cut it in a hurry.  It doesn’t show in the production.  But Mike Myers is obsessive about his characters and I think another six months of writing on the script would have actually taken this film to the next level.  Some of the lazy choices would have been fixed and probably taken inspired turns.  But alas, no.  And in the end, this film is white-as-a-sheet pale in comparison to Undercover Brother, but will be a much bigger hit because people like to see the joke coming as it chugs around the bend… and Goldmember is right where you’d expect it.

AND NOW:  I’m running late.  So instead of being an hour later, The Kid Stays In The Picture will wait until Monday, along with a treatise on Sarah Silverman’s one-woman-and-a-band-and-two-special-guest-singers show.  Sarah won’t be on view until she hits NYC the week after next.  But if you are reading this column, you are the audience for The Kid Stays in the Picture.  See it and get ready for a lot `a moxie, kid.

BOX OFFICE EXTRA:  First, a correction to yesterday’s column.  Beverly Hills Cop is the highest grossing R-rated film of all time, with $235 million.  I knew that.  No wonder I was so surprised by Saving Private Ryan.  Thanks to the many, many, many of you who reminded me that I am getting old and addle-minded.

The weekend is all about Goldmember.  But while New Line is cleaning up, the rest of the nations of movieland will be experiencing a burn out.  I expect Road to Perdition – adding 91 more venues -  to come in at Number Two and that Goldmember will be the only film in America to gross more than $12 million this weekend.  And with the ever-increasing front loading of box office, look for Lilo & Stitch, moving up a notch to #8, to be the eldest veteran film in the Top Ten, in weekend six.  Talk about gross.

WEEKEND GUESSTIMATES

1. Austin Powers in Goldmember – 3613 venues – new - $  million
2. Road to Perdition – 2250 venues – off 34 percent - $10.17 million
3. Stuart Little 2 - 3282 venues – off 33 percent - $10.13 million
4. The Country Bears – 2553 venues – new - $9.5 million
5. Men in Black II – 3542 venues – off 45 percent - $8 million
6. K-19: The Widowmaker – 2830 venues – off 57 percent - $5.5  million
7. Mr. Deeds - 2309 venues – off 40 percent - $4.4 million
8. Lilo & Stitch - 1780 venues – off 32 percent - $3.38 million
9. Eight Legged Freaks – 2530 venues – off 48 percent - $3.37 million
10. Reign of Fire - 2005 venues – off 55 percent - $3.29 million

READER OF THE DAY:  One reader was offended by the jokes about possible titles for David Mamet’s screenplay about the Israeli Air Force.  Others offered up titles like “Oy Force,” “Iron Yigal Alon,” “Twelve O'Clock Hymie” and “Hora Hora Hora.”

But The Big Dog dominated the field with –
"The Gefilte Fliers"
"Torah! Torah! Torah!"
"Flying Chai: The True Story of the IAF"
"The Flying Leather-Mensches"
"The Goyem Getters"
"The IAF: They'll Bomb You Into Bupkis"
"The Dreidel Droppers"
"The Bagel Bombers"

E ME:  “Torah! Torah! Torah!”  I love that one.  But everyone who played was a winner.

Looking for specific Goldmember feedback.  I’m sure some of you will love it, so give me and your fellow readers more to chew on than that.  And will any of you see The Country Bears?  How about Perdition?  How do the women out there feel about it… whether you’ve see it or are avoiding it because something is keeping you from it in the back of your mind?