February 19, 2003

This sucks!!!

I have always been keenly aware of the void between the Super Bowl and the start of Major League baseball.  The S.I. Swimsuit Edition is always a lovely distraction but, like so many adolescent pursuits, the hours once spent obsessing are now replaced by briefer moments of whimsy. 

But this movie news void is aggravating for those of us who have columns to write!  Patrick Goldstein had to resort to a book review.  Jeff Wells is publishing dinner transcripts.  Manohla has gone without answering what’s asked for over a week now.  What I wouldn’t give for another seething column from William Goldman!

I could try to write about the Oscars, but even saving up for tomorrow’s MCN column, all we really have left to cover right now is the kind of “God, I’m bored” rationalizations of the nominees.  Does anyone really believe that you can campaign too hard in this day and age?  I do believe that a Sharon Stone could, given that… wait… gotta save that nut for tomorrow.

Vivendi isn’t moving at the moment.  The shake-up at Time-Warner is in television, not film.  There is one great story about a picture involving an Oscar nominee and perhaps another, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy for the moment.  (When the story does break, it will make for some very interesting conversation.)  Fox is happy about Daredevil and loading up for X2.  Paramount isn’t shaking up.  Sony is promoting people.  I guess one could write about MGM moving offices, but this is not exactly abandoning the Culver City lot and selling Dorothy’s shoes.  (But you have to know that Kirk K. wishes he had them to sell... or at least, barrow against.)  And except for a cranky former board member, Eisner seems to have regained control of his ship. 

Revolution did a Japanese distribution deal and zzz… the rights to the next sixzzzzzzzzzzz… sorry… and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

There’s been more public talk about oral sex that I can recall since the Monica breathed life into The Presidential Seal.  It’s all because that S&M chick on Joe Millionaire whispered to the tiny busty brunette who says, “Oh my God!” a lot that she either sucked face or something else in Monday night’s Thank God It’s Final episode.  But who cares?!?!?  Yes, even oral sex is boring during this time of year.  Enough with the Michael Jackson shows!

Have you noticed that ALL of these shows have become 80 percent pad?  I saw the second hour tease for Dateline’s MJ special and it was virtually the same as for the first hour…. In other words, they hadn’t covered anything of real interest yet.  And sadly, they never did.  All these shows have full re-cap episodes now.  Could this all be stemming from E!’s Real Hollywood Story’s obnoxious habit of making 30 minute documentaries last an hour by recapping before and after every commercial break?  American Idol takes 30 minutes to make a 60 second announcement about who won.  And what happens when the winners are announced?  They sing the same song they sang the night before.  The one great piece of television in all of this was, for me, the Joe Millionaire segment in which they pointed out the habits of some of the girls, whether their verbal or facial expressions.  That was a really interesting, amusing examination of the human condition.  We all have our routines.  But you rarely see that on television.

If Bill Zwecker is the foundation of Paramount’s TV campaign for The Hours, they are a little too desperate.  Nothing against Bill, but a non-critic as your centerpiece quote is pathetic.  At least Gangs of New York has Peter Travers, who was once a legitimate critic before he became America’s favorite quote whore.

Okay… I give up… when does the postman get here?

READER OF THE DAY:  RUDOLPH’S PAL:  “You've already had your 'Bash the Daredevil' column, but we just watched it tonight and all I can say is "seen it"...

* Roses thrown on the corpses of those killed by the 'bad guy'...seen it (Batman).

* Clinging to a pole (in this case a cross on a cathedral)...seen it (Spiderman)

* Going 'wall to wall' jumping up until grasping a fire escape ladder...seen it (most Jackie Chan movies)

* Doing flipflops while spinning dervishes of flesh slicers are being thrown at you in slow motion....seen it (Spidey again, oh, wait, Spidey did a neat sideways spin in slow motion...does that count?)

* Girl does back flip off wall in slow motion...seen it (The Matrix, its a cartwheel that Trinity does, isn't it..oh how different!)

* Investigative reporter digging into background of said do-gooder...seen it (Superman's Lois Lane comes to mind)

* Fat friend who doesn't have a clue that the mystery man in the papers is sitting across from him at the lunch table...seen it (Lois isn't fat tho, is she...)

* The beat goes on...

Daredevil was everything I expected it to be...a complete rip off and cliché from so many other much better stories and movies with more interesting dialog and actors...seen it.”

HAM ON, HAM OFF writes:  “"What do you want?" 

"JUSTICE!"

One of the more cringe worthy lines from this embarrasingly awful comic book extravaganza known as "Daredevil".  After seeing this mess, I just want justice too.   To wit:

- I want the 2 hours of my life back that I wasted (fortunately, I saw the movie for free so no money was lost).

- I want Mark Steven Johnson BANNED from directing a movie ever again until he learns how to direct.  Come to think of it, since he "wrote" this abomination, Simon Birch, and the Grumpy Old Men movies, he needs to learn how to write too.  Who's cousin, nephew, brother etc. is he and/or where is he keeping those incriminating photos of studio execs?  I can't think of any other reasons for letting this HACK (yes, cliche but appropriate) continue to try and make movies.  Episodic directors have a better eye and sense of pacing  than this guy.  Not since the heyday of Paul "Resident Evil/Mortal Combat" Anderson have we been witness to a more inept "talent".  Still laugh out loud whenever I see that sun dappled slow mo shot of Ashley Judd taking a baseball to the ol' watermelon in "Simon Birch".

- I want Hollywood editors and directors need to stop overcutting ("power cutting") whenever there's a martial arts fight scene.  Any intricate choreography and/or wirework is immediately rendered useless by the machine gun style editing.  John Woo, who doesn't do much martial arts but is arguably the best action director working, once said action scenes should be shot like musical numbers.  The Wachowski brothers "get" this.  Spielberg and Cameron also understand this (though their action sequences don't generally include Hong Kong style moves).  Norrington and Del Toro (directors of Blade 1 and 2) were right on the edge but never took the leap into trying to "outcut" Michael Bay.  Even McG sort of got it in "Charlie's Angels".  Granted, the Cusinart style of editing is to perhaps mask the fact that Hollywood actors don't have the martial arts skills of the greats (ie Jet Li & Jackie Chan) but, repeat after me:  OVERCUTTING A FIGHT SCENE DOES NOT MAKE IT 'EXCITING".  IT MAKES IT ANNOYING (are you listening Bryan Singer?  "X Men" would have been much better without the ridiculously overdone yet lifeless fight sequences).

-I want Hollywood and Ben Affleck to stop force-feeding the movie going public the idea that he's the "next action hero".  Basically, he blows in the action game.  "Sum of All Fears"  pretty much sums up my reaction to passing on the Jack Ryan franchise from Ford to him.  His buddy Mr. Damon ("Bourne Identity") is much more believable in the action genre. The red leather "gimp" costume doesn't help but BH's delivery in said outfit are high school drama club bad.  I don't buy him as conflicted, angry, hungering for vengeance etc. at all.  His Matt Murdock scenes (especially with Ms Garner) have far more life and believability(though they still are bad scenes in a terrible movie).  Stick with edgy romantic comedies (ala "Chasing Amy") and offbeat indies and studio projects (like "Changing Lanes) rather that this homogenized drivel. 

If Hollywood is looking for the next action hero, how about pulling Clive Owen off those BMW spots and giving him a real action movie?  If he's not the next Bond (because Brosnan won't let it go), someone write something original for him .  He combines the everyman quality of early Bruce Willis (without the raging egomania), the suaveness of Brosnan (without the "pretty boy" handicap) and the star quality of Sean Connery.  And he arguably has more range than any of them (contrast his work in the BMW spots with his turns in "Gosford Park" and "Croupier").  And speaking of next action hero, someone get Jennifer Garner a franchise, pronto!  She blows poor Affleck off the screen in her rather small role.    Actually a movie with her and Colin Farrell  in the leads could really light  it up.

-I want bad, rubbery "synethespians" to go back to the R & D labs of ILM, Digital Domain et al. until they're perfected.  CG Spiderman (and New York) looked bad, CG Daredevil looks worse.  I'd take mediocre, old fashioned stop motion over the godawful "virtual stuntmen" work in DD.   Even the "human puppetry" work in "Brazil" (the "winged" Jonathan Pryce) was better and that was 15 plus years ago.  Obviously $80 million did not go into the cheap ass digital work on this turkey.  This was Sci Fi Channel bad effects work and an embarrasement for a major studio release.  And what's with the "ridiculously large moon shots" over the cityscape scenes?  Is the moon going to collide with the Earth?  Wouldn't that be a better superhero movie?  Fake, fake, fake and just dumb....

And finally...

- I want Hollywood to take a sabbatical from the habit of turning comic books into big budget, lame brain movie "events" that usually disappoint (the exceptions being "Superman" 1 & 2, the "Blade" franchise, and maybe "X Men" ).  In this "Year of the

Matrix", 2003 is also a make or break year for comic superheroes:  "Daredevil ('nuff said about this craptacular), "X2" (likely better than the original but that won't be too difficult a task), ""Hulk" (love Ang Lee but the trailers are raising alarms), and "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (jury's out on this, some footage looks cool, some looks like a guy running around in the cheesiest, "Mystery Science Theatre" rubber suit you can imagine) collectively cost something like half a billion dollars (not including prints and advertising) to make.  With the even pricier "Superman/Spider Man 2/Iron Man/ Fantastic Four" waiting in the wings, do the studios really want to put all their "tent pole" eggs in one very expensive "4 color pulp" basket?    Every superhero movie can't and won't gross like Spiderman.  "Daredevil" may hit $120 million on inertia alone given it's debut numbers (hats off to Fox marketing for selling this turd) but it'll still need international and DVD to pull in profit for Fox.  If either "League" or "X2" disappoints, Fox's whole superhero arsenal could go go from "4 color" to one: Red.”

HIGH REZ writes:  “First off, it’ll be interesting to see the 2^nd weekend returns since half the East Coast couldn’t get to the movies Sat night/Sunday/Monday cause of all the snow.  I bet the weekly numbers are stronger because of it…

Yes, I wanted to see much more Elektra and much more Kingpin and more Foggy…but honestly, the movie was fun and I totally enjoyed it for a “no-name director does action for the first time” flick.  It was very cool seeing some of my favorite characters portrayed on the big screen in basically the ways they should be.  DD looked and acted like DD, and the same with the rest of the gang.

The fight scene in the bar was horrible and I couldn’t follow any of that…but I loved the playground scene for all its corniness, loved the Elektra sandbag scene, loved all the Foggy/Matt banter in the coffee shop scenes, loved seeing DD hurt (losing his tooth) and acting more like the human he is and not the mutant/superhero with special powers, loved that water sound barrier thingie DD stays in to drown out all the noise and unwind (great idea) and many more things that added up to a very enjoyable experience.

Let’s hope that Johnson learns from his first action directing experience and that the inevitable sequel has a better storyline.  Until that happens, I’ll gladly pay for the DVD and hope the 20 minutes or so that was cut only enhances this already fun flick…”

E ME:  You talkin’ to me?