March 18, 2003

Every year, we read about the Miramax pre-Oscar party, where they put on musical skits and have a good old time.  I don’t think I’m going to be invited.  But I have had the good fortune of running into the Miramax songbook**.  I’ve decided to print part of it here and the rest of the songs on Movie City News, so you can enjoy them for yourself.  I hope you know your show tunes!

HARVEY-A
(Sung to the tune of “Maria”)

(spoken)
Harvey… ahhh . . .
(sings)
The most beautiful boss I ever had:
Harvey-a, Harvey-a, Harvey-a, Harvey-a . . .
All the beautiful campaigns are found in a single word…
Harvey-a, Harvey-a, Harvey-a, Harvey-a…

Harvey-a!
I've just met a man named Harvey-a,
And suddenly this game
Will never be the same
For me.

Harvey-a!
My movie’s been smeared by Harvey-a ,
And suddenly I've found
How dirty Oscar games
Can be!

Harvey-a!
Say it loud and get Ms. Lundberg spraying,
Say it soft and by his rules you’re playing.

Harvey-a,
I'll never stop hearing Harvey-a!

The most beautiful campaigns ever run…
Harvey-a.

 

WE’LL INFRINGE A LOT
(Sung to "Surrey With The Fringe On Top")

Art and passion, they better scurry
When those votes arrive in a hurry
When we campaign you can be sure-y, we’ll infringe a lot.

Watch that fringe vote, see how it flutters
When celebs say “hi” to their mothers,
If that press corps peek thru’ the shutters, one-on-ones we’ll shop!

They’re teeth are yeller and their spots are brown,
And their skin looks like genuine leather,
They love them movies that help them forget
They are so often under the weather.

Five good films are in competition
So I gave up on all inhibition
I’ve got dirt on your folks if you’re thinkin’, that you have a shot
On your silly little ethics we’ll infringe quite a lot

 

MY KIND OF GAME
(Sung to "My Kind of Town")

This is my kind of game, The Oscars is,
My way to fame, The Oscars is,
My kind of voters who
Are 82, and most-ly Jews

And each time we run, The Oscars is,
Even more fun, The Oscars is,
One bash that respects my cash,
It’s my kind of game

My kind of film, Chicago is
Paying the bills, Chicago is
We went through Fosse’s grave
Hired Renee,
Weren’t we brave?

And each vote we get, Chicago does
Makes Rudin wet, Chicago does
The Perfect Marketing, Chicago is
The perfect platform, The Oscars is
I have found, they won’t let me down
It's my kind of game

 

FUCK `EM
(Sung to Mame)

They say we can’t bribe people for votes, fuck `em,
They scream when we write Wise’s mash notes, fuck `em.
We’ve got those nominations,
And every stud-i-o can eat our dust,
We’ll get standing ovations,
Cause our success is one thing you can trust.

They say that Marty’s working too hard, fuck `em,
Renee may dance just like a retard, fuck `em,
Who ever thought that Far From Heaven
Or About Schmidt could survive
We beat the crap right out of them
And next year, we’ll be back again,
Knock all the rings right out of them fucks!

 

IN MY OWN LITTLE COUNTRY
(Sung to "In My Own Little Corner")

I'm as mild and as meek as a man,
Whose victim is on Larry King.Live
But I know of a spot in the world
Where extradition is just jive.

In my own little country,
In my own little mind,
I can be whatever I want to be.
I can make lots of movies

That can play anywhere,
And the world will open it's arms to me.
I'm a tall expatriot, Or a hero,
Where they call my teenage sex act an affair
I'm an artist who has always lived in fear, oh,
Of a woman who has grown her pubic hair.

I'm a man girls go mad for,
I’m so cute in that way
Just as long as no one in France will whine,
Just as long as I stay in my own little country
All alone in my own little mind.

LET’S KILL THE CHAR’CTERS OFF
(Sung to "Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off")

You say "depression" and I say "imbalance"
You say "the nose wins" I say "it’s talent"
"Depression" "imbalance", "the nose wins" "it’s talent"
Let’s kill the char’cter off

You say "she’s boring," I say "internal"
You say "indulgent", I say "infernal"
She’s boring, internal, indulgent, infernal
Let’s kill the char’cter off

But oh, if we kill the char-cters off
We’d miss the art
And oh , if it weren’t so long, we wouldn’t feel so smart

So if you say she’s brittle and I think she’s coping,
No Oscar for Meryl, but I will keep hoping
For The, Hours, Women it empowers
Better kill the char’cters off
Let's kill the char’cters off.

AIN'T THAT THE LORD OF THE RINGS
(Sung to "Ain't That A Kick In The Head")

How lucky can one guy be?
One project turned into three
Shaye turned round this thing,
"Ain't that The Lord of The Rings?"

New Zealand year after year,
300 mil, oh my dear
Like Dick Parsons said, quote,
"Those profits kept us afloat!"

That ring keeps spinnin',
Killing those Orcs leaves me grinnin'
Last year was just the beginnin',
Return of The King’ll be bee-yoo-tee-ful

If Oscar next year it brings,
That statue rules everything,
Tell me quick, “Ain't that The Lord of The Rings?"

(orchestra)

Cause Pete Jackson once said,
"I’ve got this thing in my head!"

(orchestra)

Like Anne Thompson said, quote,
"That Viggo makes my head float!"

They’re money winnin',
Tom Cruise is New Zealand grinnin'
Could this be just the beginnin',
The Hobbit’s gonna be bee-yoo-tee-ful

They’ve already claimed the win,
Though Harvey has Cold Mountain
Will watching that Oscar battle make us sick?
Though it stings, ain't that the thing?
You’ll be floored, ain't that the Lord… Of The Rings?

 

HE’S A WEINSTEIN
(Sung to the tune of “He’s A Rebel”)

See the way he battles for votes
Watch the way he quietly gloats
How he holds his Oscar high
So exp-e-en-sive to buy-y-y-y-y-y
It’s his guy

When they write about him, he’s proud
Just don’t cross him – He’s very loud
Yes, he always is the one
To try the things that no one’s done
and just because of that they will say – Oy vey!

He's a Weinstein and he'll never ever be - any good
He's a Weinstein 'cos he never ever does - what he should
And just because he doesn't do what - everybody else does
That's no reason why - You have to wish he’d die

He is always nice to me – calls my number constantly
Cause I am a voter, yes-yes-yes
And he’s not afraid to invest-vest-vest - in me-e-e-e
They may not like the whispering
But they won’t buy that Roman thing
And I’ll be seeing Marty for lunch - when they say

He's a Weinstein and he'll never ever give up – Oscar gold
He's a Weinstein 'cos it works for him that  – Wise is old
and just because he doesn’t worry – about the rule book
That's no reason why – he can’t have all our votes

He will campaign for me - always makes the others green
He's not a Weinstein, no-no-no
He's not a Weinstein, no-no-no - to me-e-e-e
(he's not a Weinstein - no-no-no)
No-no-no
(he's not a Weinstein - no-no-no)
(he's not a Weinstein - no-no-no)
No-no-no
(he's not a Weinstein - no-no-no)

[repeat to fade]

 

GUYS & GOLD
(Sung to Guys & Dolls)

What's at Hollywood & Highland?
I'll tell you what's at Hollywood & Highland.
A party for a New York boy who falls so in love with Los Angeles’ little gold bald man

That he sacrifices everything and markets Hollywood into a near coma.
That's what's playing at Hollywood & Highland.

What's in Daily Variety?
I'll tell you what's in Daily Variety.
Story about a man made himself a small movie
With money that might have made a tentpole for Paramount.
That's what's in Daily Variety.

What's happening in Paris?
I'll tell you what's happening in Paris.
Guy sitting home by a television set
That did something about which he should be embarrassed.
That's what's happening in Paris.

Oscar’s the thing that has nipped them.
And it looks like we’re all just victims.

When you see execs, cutting all kinds of checks
You can bet that their doing it for awards.
When you see a spot running all through the day
Chances are they’re aware, the spending that cash, is really insane.

When you see a suit, dropping all kinds of loot
On a scene where the crowd seems a little old

Call it sad, call it funny.
But it's better than even money
That the guy’s only doing it for some gold.

When you see a flick falling short in the sticks
You can bet they'll focusing on some gold.
When a bum buys votes like a bum can't afford
It's a cinch that the dupe - has some critics’ group - giving him an award.
When you meet some gents swinging right for the fence
And his box office luck’s running icy cold
Call it hell, call it heaven
But it's probable twelve to seven
That the guy's only doing it for some gold.

Call it dumb, call it clever
But those ad buys go on forever
Cause those guy's only doing it for some gold
Some gold, Some gold
The guy's only doing it for some gold!

__________________

**NOTE:  These are NOT the songs from the Miramax songbook.  I have actually seen this year’s songbook and it is very clever.  Clever enough to steal the idea.  And here’s another secret… the songs on MCN will not be from the real songbook either, but creations of MCN’s Ray Pride, who got inspired when I told him what I was doing Monday afternoon. 

A serious day generated a frivolous column.  ROTD returns tomorrow with exhibitors’ responses to Monday’s flipped reel letter and - who knows? – maybe some songs of your own!