May 22, 2003

Before I get down to business, I want to thank Reuters and Yahoo! for removing any suspense in the American Idol final by posting not only news of the winner front and center, but by giving away the name of the winner in their headline. Here’s a little suggestion… “New American Idol Crowned.” That way… anyway… okay… argh!

As is so often the case, The Smoking Gun has forced he issue regarding a rumor by publishing court documents in their do-it-yourself National Enquirer glory. As fascinating as knowing the Wachowski Brothers’ pay rate for The Matrixim, I got no joy out of reading through the financial saga of Larry Wachowski’s divorce. As with so many things, it has become extremely easy to lose site of what we should be doing in light of what we can do.

It looks like he and brother Andy will each gross a guaranteed $8 million for their work on the two new Matrix films, $375,000 for their participation in The Animatrix and $2.38 million the video game, "Enter The Matrix". On top of that, they have profit participation due after these advances have been reached. Wachowski is paying 5% to his agent, 5% to his lawyer and 5% to his management company. On some of the deals, he is also paying a kickback to Joel Silver’s company. And they also throw as much as 10% to their “posse” at times.

Mrs. Wachowski had about $1.6 million in the family bank account, which she transferred to a personal account when Larry went awry.

When Wachowski took a $1 million dollar salary from the production company he owns 50/50 with his brother, his net was $383,692. Welcome to the 47% tax bracket.

In any case, it is news now, even if these documents do little to explain any of the rumors that have been floating around. My read of the documents suggest that someone happened to Mr. Wachowski in San Francisco and the result was the end of his marriage. Since his return from shooting in Australia, he has made his intention to buy a home in San Francisco clear, suggesting an ongoing connection.

There seem to be some serious confirmations about Mr. Wachowski’s interest in sadomasochism. Less so about other surprising sexual proclivities. The suggestion that he is a sex change waiting to happen seems to remain unlikely in light of the heterosexual relationship that appears to have broken up his marriage.

I can’t believe I am even writing about this crap…

However, it would be disingenuous to acknowledge the circus that all of this has become. Unlike some, I do not think this public mess is a karmic payback for the duo’s failure to indulge the press. However, I do think that there was a degree of control given up by staying out of the spotlight. The attempt to be a private person in a very public business is almost always responded to with bad behavior by the press. And it is easy to target someone who will not respond.

Even were the most extreme of the rumors true, which I still believe they are not, who cares? The great artists of our time have all been a bit nutty. They have also been abused by a prying-eyed media and unfairly pilloried by critics who only wish they could take one step down the artistic road that these men and women have walked. (No, Harvey… I’m not talking about you.)

READER OF THE DAY: SON OF GORDON writes: “Ok, if I was God for a week, I would:

Force Quentin Tarantino to make one film per year....

Take away Vin Diesel's muscles and then see how much his films gross at the box office.

Switch Russell Crowe's personality with Tom Hanks to see how it would look if Crowe was nice and Hanks beat up producers....

Prohibit M. Night Shyamalan from making trick endings for every movie....

Tell Chris Tucker that only making Rush Hour films doesn't constitute a flimography..

Force LL Cool J to go by James Todd Smith, Ice Cube to go by O'Shea Jackson, and Eminem to go by Marshall Mathers so that I can take them seriously when I see the opening film credits....

Tell filmmakers it's ok to make non-sequels and remakes....

Force actors to go to Film Prison when they make films like Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, Battlefield Earth, and Captain Corelli's Mandolin...

Erase Dreamcatcher from existence....

Take away Roberto Benigni's Academy Award for Life Is Beautiful and give to Edward Norton for American History X....

Show Cuba Gooding Jr. the same door we showed Pauly Shore....

Use Kiefer Sutherland's voice to narrate all film trailers.......

Exchange the box office total for Solaris with that of Tomb Raider.....

Make sure that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez aren't Siamese Twins (see Gigli and Jersey Girl).

And finally, if I was God, I would force Steve Zahn to host the next Academy Awards...........”

And this from NOT HILTON EITHER: “1) Michael Bay would become the loudest-ever director of late-night infomercials.

2) Brian DePalma would wake up one morning with a type of amnesia that makes him completely forget the films of Alfred Hitchcock and he finally makes the original satire I've been waiting for him to make.

3) The producers remaking Dawn of the Dead suddenly realize what the hell they're doing, shut down the picture, and fork over what's left in their coffers to George Romero so he can make Dead Reckoning.

4) An outbreak of SARS puts the production of Scooby Doo 2 on indefinite hold.

5) George Lucas' brain returns to his body and he releases the pre-special edition cuts of the original trilogy on DVD.

6) Chicago's best picture Oscar goes to The Pianist.

7) Darren Aronofsky wins the power-ball lottery and uses his winnings to self-finance The Fountain.

8) Prints of "lost" films like London After Midnight and The Magician begin popping up in theater projection rooms.

9) David Lean comes back from the dead and takes over the directing duties on Troy.

10) I'd make my girlfriend's boobs bigger, too.”

E ME: That’s all for today. There will be a 15 Weeks Of Summer column over at MCN for your further amusement…

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