July 30, 2003

The Gigli Countdown Continues…

Today’s Episode: Definitions

1. Heterolingus – n. Oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris by a big dumb guy whose on-screen mother seems likely to have more experience in this area than her son… yes, performing.

2. Gobble, Gobble – phrase. 1. Noise a turkey makes. 2. J-Lo’s way of suggesting that Ben perform herterolingus on her. 3. Noise a turkey makes.

3. Cameo – n. 1. a broach, 2. a cookie, 3. a career embarrassment for two great actors doing a favor for Marty Brest and perhaps never even meeting Lopez & Affleck based on their lack of shared screen time.

4. Scenery Termite – n. (see “cameo”) A step beyond scenery chewer.

5. Commitment – n. The Columbia/Revolution marketing team, which will probably open this film to bigger than expected numbers and have not actually been charged with any murders or attempted suicides as of this writing.

6. New Spots – n. Really good. Moving away from the Ben-Lo thing and acknowledging the “surprising twist.”

7. Chickalingus – n. The surprising twist.

8. Byron Allen. – n. 1. Former Comedian. 2. Junketeer.

9. Sneezing Penis – n. 1. term used by mentally challenged individual for ejaculation. 2. Byron Allen in the act of quoting.

10. Hysterical – adj. 1. This Onion piece.

JOB POSTINGS: Fox has decided that Peyton Reed is not their man to bring The Fantastic Four to life, though the studio has decided to stick with the release date, 16 months away. Rumors that Steven Norrington is coming aboard are NOT FUNNY!

At this late date, with a screenplay presumably close to where the studio is comfortable, I would expect them to look for a seasoned pro instead of a young visionary. John McTiernan. Barry Levinson. Joe Johnston. Tony Scott. Andy Davis. Maybe Brett Ratner. That would be my guess.

Meanwhile, Fun With Dick & Jane has been delayed by six months after (or maybe before) Barry Sonnenfeld took a walk. Tom Shadyac is a perfect fit. Perhaps Jonathan Lynn?

Finally, while the rumors remain that McG is casting Superman at Warner Bros., what I hear as that he still working on a screenplay, not just picking up the JJ Abrams draft, and that he is not a lock to direct the film. On the other hand, the fact that McG is allowed on any studio lot, other than to remove his belongings, after executives got an eyeful of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle is a mystery to me.

INTERESTING WEEKEND: American Wedding, Gigli and Bend It Like Beckham all go wide this Friday. While American Wedding, which will probably be better received than American Pie 2 was and does not suffer from a bunch of cameos from former cast members, will likely win the weekend, the potential for Beckham, as the only non-R entry of the weekend is going to make things very interesting. One thing is true… except for Finding Nemo and Pirates of the Caribbean, there is no more sure family crowd pleaser than Beckham this summer. If Searchlight can manage a significant sampling this weekend, not only will they have added to an already nice run, they will get a long set of legs as a new group starts spreading the word of mouth and August-starved screens keep the film available in a lot more markets than have ever seen the title.

THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT: It is unlikely that we will ever really know just what happened when MGM said goodbye to the Universal opportunity. Some will say that they were never serious and just wanted a look at the books. Others will agree that Vivendi has treated a buyer’s market like a seller’s market. And others will simply wonder whether Kirk Kirkorian has ever met an entertainment empire he didn’t want to break up into small pieces.

I’m not sure what MGM would have done with The Big U, especially considering that they put out less product than Universal’s art arm, Focus Features. But the disturbing situation remains disturbing. Every road seems to lead to the entertainment division being parceled off, permanently separating movies, television, music and theme parks. This could signal the new wave of dis-integration of mega-companies. Losing the AOL tag at Time-Warner is likely the next signal.

PIRATE PARANOIA: Bob Welkos reports in today’s LA Times that some studios are considering not sending out films on DVD because of piracy. And just allow me to say, this is among the most stupid discussions of all time.

I would argue that this issue, specifically regarding Oscar screeners, is so minimal as not to matter and part of a problem much bigger than such steps will prevent. Pre-release piracy is an insignificant problem at this time. The only pre-release DVD thefts I know of come from work product from inside the studios or from the vendors.

Post release piracy is unstoppable. The loss of quality, for a thief, converting a video to DVD is so insignificant as to be irrelevant. If films are going to be sent out “For Your Consideration,” sent them in the most convenient format. Until someone can prove that Academy screeners are causing studios a great loss, beyond sales of said DVDs on E-Bay, I will happily change my position. But right now, the only indication that this is a serious problem is that someone can make a buck stoking the studios’ paranoia.

And even more to the point, if the Academy does not allow studios to put chapter stops on these DVDs, they are not helping anyone. Change that rule, please!!!

READER OF THE DAY: BRAVEHEART’S COUSIN writes: “Over the weekend I rented the DVD of the Bourne Identity. I was thrilled to discover that my memories from seeing it in the theatre last year held up; this is a very solid, very enjoyable piece of filmmaking. It definitely has a retro feel in terms of its fundamentals, reminding me most of the French Connection in its gritty realness. I would say the only false note in it was when Bourne uses a dead body as a cushion in order to dive down a 6-story stairwell. That was more Die Hard 3 than anything else! But in the greater scheme of things it was a forgivable foray into cartoon-ness.

As I remember BI was greeted with muted critical appreciation but had great legs. So my first question, do you know if there will be a sequel, especially with the same cast and crew. While I am not usually a great fan of sequels it seems to me that the film's basic conceit has quite some mileage left in it.

My second question is that given how popular this film was why does it not seem to have sparked any sort of renaissance of the plot and character driven thriller? We still seem to be caught in a cycle of CGI-driven bigger is better stunt extravaganzas, e.g., Bad Boys II. Why isn't Hollywood making more adult fare like the Bourne Identity when it is obvious that there is a large paying audience for it?

Thirdly, why aren't we seeing more films that take advantage of the great cities of the world in the way that BI used Paris. The Italian Job started out well in Venice but the majority of the film ended up in soulless and characterless Any City USA.. Is it that filmmakers are lazy and just want to stay on familiar ground or are there economic/cultural issues here?”

E ME: Yes, the sequel starts shooting later this year. And the Bourne budget got out of hand, just as the Truth About Charlie budget did. Studios love control. But expect more Bourne than Bad Boys, as budgets start to make profits disappear.

What sequels would you like to see?

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