July 31, 2003

Today’s column will be limited due to 15 Weeks Of Summer at Movie City News. But The Gigli Countdown continues…

Today’s Episode – The New Cameos

People lucky enough to find a seat in a motion picture theater for this week’s new release, Gigli, will enjoy cameo performances of monologues by Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. Test screen results were not quite up to par, so with an extra 48 hours before distribution begins, THB has learned that six major actors have lent their names and images from other films to be digitally included in Gigli so that it might be the worldwide success that it so deserves to be. We cannot provide streaming video of the performances. Our video camera, provided by the studio to encourage piracy of the film, melted during the movie. But the transcripts are below.

ROBERT DENIRO

You talkin' to Gigli? You talkin' to Gigl? You talkin' to Gigli? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to the labiastick lesbian? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to, Gigli? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok.

TOM HANKS

Ahh, Gigli. I don't know anything about Gigli, I don't care. The man means nothing to me; he's just a name I can’t even pronounce. But if, you know, if going in front of some green screen, and acting so they can release this movie, if that earns me the right to pass on any thing Marty Brest is attached to, well then, then that's my mission.

ROBERT DUVALL

You smell that? Do you smell that? ...A bomb, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of a bomb in the morning. You know, one time we delayed a bomb, reshooting and re-editing, for twelve years. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' script supervisor. The smell, you know that publicist smell, the whole of Westwood. Smelled like... excuses. Someday this war's gonna end...

TOM CRUISE

I will not rest until I have you holding a placed Coke, wearing your own placed shoe, playing a placed Sega game - featuring you and the girl with the butt, while singing your own song in a new commercial - starring you - broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens.

MARLON BRANDO

Gigli, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Hanks." You remember that? "This ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Hanks apart! So what happens? He gets another $100 million for making that stupid Greek Wedding film and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Hammy-Overweight-Actor-ville! You was my brother, Gigli, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to do cameos for the short-end money.

JACK NICHOLSON

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Big Buns? I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Jersey Girl, and you curse the Weinsteins. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Jersey Girl's date change, while tragic, probably saved careers. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I know deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you don't want me and Sandler in the spring, you need me and Sandler in the spring. We use words like back-end, DVD bonus, heterolingus. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very J-Lo Benny Medina provides, then question the manner in which Benny Medina provides it. I prefer you said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an acting lesson or two, and stand to post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

READER OF THE DAY: THE D writes: “I for one would love to see a sequel to the misunderstood 99 gem "Mystery Men". As far as super hero films go, the Mystery Men franchise has plenty of opportunities to advance in action and comedic elements. It'll never happen, but I would love it if it did.

Even though it bombed at the boxoffice, I loved "The Hulk," and would love it if Universial would greenlight a "Hulk 2." Will it happen David?

How about these sequels, "The Long Kiss Goodnight 2," "Predator 3," "Innerspace 2," and "Affliction 2: Wade Comes Home."

NOT THE SHARK writes: “The sequel I would most like the see is "Ridgemont High Reunion". Bring back the entire cast from Fast Times, except the late Ray Walston. Judge Reinhold as Brad could still be running the convenience store. Sean Penn

as Jeff would be a senator, Phoebe Cates as Linda would be a housewife with 7 kids, Jennifer Jason Leigh as Stacy would be a porn star, Forest Whitaker as Jefferson would be in prison, Brian Backer as Rat would be gay, Robert Romanus as Damone would be his lover.You could bring back bit players like Anthony Edwards, Nicholas Cage, Eric Stoltz, Vincent Schiavelli, Stu Nahan and Taylor Negron. Good stuff!”

E ME: Judy! Judy! Judy!

Back to Top