April 6, 2004

On Passover, it is the obligation of the adults in each Jewish family to tell the story of the exodus from Egypt to the children. (I'm a little surprised that Hunter Gibson has not spoken out about how the plagues were a Jewish conspiracy and how the Jews left Egypt for 40 fun filled years in Miami Beach, not the Sinai Desert.) The evening meal, called a Seder, is designed to appeal to people of all ages so that the story might be passed down through the ages.

You have probably heard of "The Four Questions," even if you are not Jewish -

1. "Why is it that in the summer and in the holiday season we get big movies and quality movies, but on this season we get only leftovers?"

2. "Why is it that in all other seasons we read all kind of movie news, but in this seasons we report only bitter stories?"

3. "Why is it that in all other seasons studio excuses do not dip into home entertainment even once, but in this season we dip into them twice even before the movie opens?"

4, "Why is it that in all other seasons we discuss studios either ascending, sitting pat or declining, but in this season we report only on studios in a declining position?"

In my house, I have the youngest entertainment journalist read these questions just before we break the Afikomen and hide it for those wacky kids to find… whoever finds it first and returns it gets the results Courtney Love's latest tox screen.

But what gets a lot less attention is the Seder's notion of the Four Sons; one who is wise, one who is wicked, one who is simple and one who does not even know how to ask.

The Wise Son asks, "What are the testimonies, the statutes and the laws which the Movie Gods have commanded you?" You explain to him all the laws of covering movies, up to "one is not to sleep with any publicists, no matter how great they look in black stretch pants."

The wicked one, what does he say? "What are these rules to you?!" He says "to you," but not to him! By thus separating himself he has excluded himself from participation in the remembrance of the responsibilities of entertainment journalism, and hence from its saving act of redemption. You, therefore, are to say to him: "It is because of this that the journalists of the past did for me when I left Entertainment Weekly"; "for me" but not for him! If he had been there, he would not have been redeemed!

The simpleton says: "What is this?" Thus you shall say to him: "With a strong hand the Movie Gods took us out of local beat coverage, from the house of slaves."

As for the one who does not know how to ask, you must begin for him, as it is said: "You shall tell your child on that day, `It is because of what the Movie Gods did for me when I left The Four Seasons.'"

Of course, if all that fails, the journalistic resurrection is only five days away.

READER OF THE DAY: RESIN writes: "$23M has to be a disappointment, no matter how many ways you slice the number. League of Extraordinary CRAP opened to the same exact amount, and that movie can be compared exactly to Hellboy - based on a comic book with tiny amounts of built in awareness - both comics were NOT published by Marvel or DC and had never been big sellers. Plus, League had the worst reviews, while Hellboy had incredibly glowing reviews. Plus, one would think that Del Toro would have picked up a few more fans thanks to the success of Blade 2 (I loved Devil's Backbone as well)…Even with Walking Tall opening the same weekend, I was expecting $30M.

And do you really think this movie will sell well overseas? Look at Daredevil, which had Affleck and the Marvel name behind it. That movie only did about $75M overseas. And Blade 2 did around $70M overseas. Hellboy doing $80M overseas will be a huge stretch.

And as for Jennifer Garner - I'll spend $10 to see her do ANYTHING!! What a face and what a body. And she can act. Alias rocks. Garner is going to be big, especially if ELEKTRA is done right."

DAVID RESPONDS: LXG had a summer slot and Sean Connery. Hellboy had nothing but the movie, really. The resulting third best ever April opening is a disappointment to me, as I think this movie could have been even bigger. But to discount the opening would be a mistake and really unfair. The industry has gotten sequel lazy, assuming that sequels will all now outgross originals, as opposed to the 20% drop tradition of the past. But Hellboy screams of future opportunity now that the character has been established on film. Daredevil was a disaster compared to Hellboy… it cost a lot more and didn't make that much more than Hellboy will in the end. In my heart, I still think that Hellboy could have has a $30 million - $40 million opening. But my head says, give credit where credit is due.

NOT THE BOMB also loves Ms. Garner: "You know, I am sorry, but if I have to choose between three quirky beauties such as Bullock, Weatherspoon, and Roberts compared to Jennifer Garner, I am going with Garner all the way. Unlike those three, even if she has never opened a movie, has a quality and charm none of those three actresses have. The closest has to be Bullock, who doesn't come across as put upon as Weatherspoon (Go watch Legally Blonde and watch Selma Blair steal the movie from her.) or Roberts (Antartica, in Winter, on a very bad day).

She's stunningly beautiful and her charm comes off as genuine, giving her charm to spare. She can almost be seen as the female version of The Rock. Garner is the 21st version of those three 20th actresses. Comparing her to Mol, continues to be another one of those, "What the fuck is Dave talking about?", moments which spring up occasionally. It happens in any circumstance in which you read a column daily for years.

Keep bringing up Mol. Keep slamming Garner whatever chance you have, because I really hope she surprises you. She's the real deal. Nothing more really say."

THIS VERY INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE ON DISNEY'S WEEKEND DISAPPOINTMENT COMES FROM IRISH EYES: "I would have gladly gone to see "Home on the Range" with my five year old daughter and her five year old cousin this weekend. In fact, counting the adults, there probably would have been six of us seeing the movie together.

However, the movie is rated PG (as in, "Some material may not be suitable for children"). Now, why would a movie studio produce a movie for children with material that may not be suitable for its target audience?

Yes, I know it is the year 2004 and such old-fashioned values as "parenting" are not in vogue, but some of us still believe that "being a good parent" does not include providing one's children with unsuitable material.

This is not a criticism of you, David, just a general comment about Hollywood attempting to pass off PG ratings as child entertainment."

AND FINALLY, THIS FROM THE MINK: "I was watching Ebert and Roeper yesterday and what do you know but their review of Kill Bill part 2 comes on, and it just hits me like a ton of bricks:

The HOT BUTTON bashing is about to start up in earnest again!!

I realize that it's been a good 5 weeks or so now since the Oscars were finally, mercifully put to bed, and that you've been complaining about having literally nothing to write about for weeks on end, but here is your chance to take up the cause. I've been waiting patiently for the big bashing to begin, but things kind of slipped my mind, but time has passed, and now the movie is almost upon us.

Has KB2 screened for the media yet? It must not have, because I'm sure the bludgeoning would have started by now otherwise. I can't think of a film you've despised more, ever, than part one, and I know that it provided you with literally dozens of opportunities to try resurrecting the dead on arrival Matrix Revolutions, so perhaps you won't even bother with part 2 (a big part of me thinks you'd be sort of, I don't know, sickened by the thought of having to sit through it at all), and perhaps the best thing you could have to say about it would be " I'm not wasting my time as I was filled with so much spite by the first one ".

Anyway, I must admit that if you do decide to bother with it, it will be the movie I'm most looking forward to hearing you discuss. There is a large group of friends who are getting together next Friday afternoon to watch part one on DVD, and then go directly to either the Arclight or The Grove to see Part 2, so if you have a chance to write about it before opening day, we'd love to get your take on why it's so incredibly awful beforehand.

I'll let you get back to sharpening the knives!"

E ME: I didn't despise Volume One nearly as much as you believe, and I have said from the day I saw that film that I was looking forward to the sequel, as I imagine it will be a significant improvement. I do resent being played like a dumb ass critic with Miramax making two business opportunities out of one artful effort. But I hope to love this upcoming film. That said, Miramax has not said a word to me about the film, though it has screened for the trades and clearly for their expected Chicago suction, who went two weeks early with the review, assuring that they will beat Peter Travers hands down in the race to get quoted. I can only hope that Miramax will be reasonable enough to show me the picture next week and not make me pay for a ticket… which I still haven't done for Jersey Girl, a film I couldn't have liked any less than Kevin Smith's employees, much less real film critics.

That said, the heat is about to turn up. What films are you anxious to start fighting about?