December 24, 2004

'TWAS THE BOX OFFICE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Inclement More

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through L.A.
Not a damned thing was stirring, not even the trades;
The studios threw out their movies with care,
In hopes that the audience soon would be there;

The Searchlighters nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of Oscar speech-es in their heads;
And Clint with his whisper, and Hughes who will fly,
Had just settled in for the box office ride,

When out on the street there arose minor clatter,
As I sprang from my laptop to see what was the matter.
And into the numbers I dove in a flash,
The box office just wasn't loading with cash.

The audience yawned at the titles they saw
They needed something that would inspire awe,
When, what hit the theaters spankin' brand new,
But some adding screens, and eight more films too,

With a face so familiar, he must be a flack,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Jack.
He gave up his job, but still his voice came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, FOCKERS! now, PHANTOM! now, DARKNESS,
and WOODSMAN!
On, ALBERT! on DARGER! AQUATIC! RWANDA!
To the top of the charts! To the top of the hall!
Release them! Release them! Release them all!"

As nervousness builds up before movies bomb,
When everyone realizes, only some make the prom,
So up to the house-top the marketers flew,
With the sleigh full of ad buys, TV and print too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard the excuse
What's good for the gander is good for the goose.
It's unfair to expect the expected things,
The season MUST be down, no Lord of the Rings!

Incredibles was loved, for its style and its mirth,
But box office sent Pixar to summer berths;
Just one focking sequel was right on the track,
And viewing it screamed, "Dustin Hoffman is back!"

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
As a Focker, he made Barbra Streisand his ho;

Yes, Snicket and Polar would play through the season,
Cause kids will go often, among other reasons;
Cause Ocean's was no jam, its gross shook like jelly,
And Brooks, who we loved, made a film bound for hell-y.

The was no Samurai, or Will Ferrell's elf,
And Julia's sperm comment, it didn't help;
The Aviator is touched in the head,
And The Phantom filled critics with wild hyper-dread;

"There's still more to come!," reminded St. Jack,
But box office heroes? He must be smoking crack,
And off'ring his finger, straight up in a flash,
He scolded that Hollywood's 'bout more than cash;

That made us all laugh, 'til our lunches we lost,
And we talked 'bout how much Lindsay's Lohans did cost.
And we talked about summer, "It'll be huge, don't you fear!"
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A NEW YEAR!"

E-ME: How did your Ho Ho viewings go?