May 11, 2005

Huff & Puff (aka, The Huffington Post) is all the buzz in the traditional media. And traditioanlly, that has been the kiss of death in the internet business. Still, even if Nikki Finke burst a blood vessel in her brain trying to come up with severe enough first day attacks on Ms. Huffington's effort, it can still recover from the insane amount of hype the wannabe blog has attracted.

The biggest problem is that they are pinning so much on celebrity blogging. And even with months of lead time, the thin, shallow and generally worthless stuff that has run bodes poorly for the future.

Today, Robert Evans chimed in with 119 words (including the headline) that felt like something his butler taped back together from the outtakes-from-the-book shredder. It reads:

The Evans Book of Rules

Not being a believer in the perennial book of rules… By purpose, I've broken most every one of them. Why shouldn't I? The people who made 'em don't live by 'em …so why should I ? Me?…I've got my own book of rules:

THE CELEBRATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL
Try a thing you haven't done three times.
Once, to get over the fear of doing it.
Twice, to learn how to do it.
And the third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

Have they treated me a bit harshly at times? Oh, yes!
…But they've made my life one of wealth… wealth of discovery.

Ain't that what life is all about?

Yeah... waiting for my Bob-A-Day calendar.

Still, I have to thank Bob and Arianna... after a late night working on tomorrow's MCN column, they gave me an idea for a quick, and hopefully funny, column today.

And so...

The Summer Movie Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF MARKETING
Try to sell a thing you wouldn't watch for free three times each summer
Once, to get over the fear that the audience is too smart to be tricked
Twice, to learn you can do it... you can do it all summer.
And the third time, to figure out whether they're still willing to bite in August

The Weinstein Disney Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF US
Try to build a movie empire three times
Once, to get out of Buffalo.
Twice, to make sure Disney regrets not giving us everything we wanted and to prove we can do anything we want to do.
And the third time... what is your fucking problem?... there isn't going to be a third time... fuck you... what have you heard?

The Book of Cannes Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF THE EXPENSE ACCOUNT
Try to get that $300 bottle of Cristal past accounting three times,
Once, to see if they will pay for it.
Twice, to let them know that you have had Cristal and that you have studio friends who will give you a copy of the bill they paid.
And the third time, to figure out how cushy your job really is.

The Media Reaction To Blogs Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF KEEPING THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS IN THEIR PLACE
Try a story you don't really understand three times..
Once, to get across how amusing all those silly young kids are.
Twice, to remind your readers that you are the real reporters and they are all just gossips.
And the third time, to figure out whether you're going to have a job in three years.

The Blog Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF ANARC-WE
Try a story you're not really sure is true, but is really funny, three times
Once, to show you are one of the cool kids who gets it early
Twice, to show that you own the turf, even if it's still usubstantiated
And the third time, to figure out whether anyone thinks you are worth suing.

The Kerkorian Book of Rules
THE CELEBRTION OF THE MGM
Buy a studio you have bought three times
Once, to destroy the memories that decades of the work of others created.
Twice, to maximize the cross-marketing opportunities with your casinos.
And the third time, to squeeze every last dime out of the Japanese.

The Brett Ratner Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL
Try a thing you haven't done three times.
Once, to get over the fear of doing it.
Twice, to learn how to do it.
And the third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

The Hilton Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF THE GYNECOLOGICAL
Try a guy you haven't done three times
Once, to have something to talk to the girls about
Twice, to see whether it's a long term relationship
And the third time, to figure out whether its worth videotaping or not

The Gold/Disney Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF WHAT WE CALL DISNEY TRADITION
Blindly damage the studio you claim to love three times
Once, to get over the arrogance of Michael Eisner
Twice, to get a lot of coverage in the New York Times and to destroy Michael Eisner
And the third time, to force Eisner back into his job - even though he kicked your ass politically and the company is back on track financially - so you can take another shot at destroying Michael Eisner.

The Studio Dependent Book of Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF THE DREGS
Try a business model that hasn't worked three times.
Once, to see if you can be Miramax without being as hard charging as The Weinsteins
Twice, to get over the idea that you're going to be the next Searchlight.
And the third time, to figure out how to be satisfied with $20 million in profits a year.

The Book of Hot Button Rules
THE CELEBRATION OF WRITING DAILY
Try to come up with something you haven't already beat to death three times a week.
Once, to keep you from dying of boredom.
Twice, to learn something new
And the third time, because after eight years, three strong columns out of five a week is a good week.

E-ME. What are your Rules?