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December 29, 2005
THE TEN WORST FILMS OF 2005
Continuing the theme of absolute mediocrity in 2005, I don't have a very big list of truly terrible movies this year. As much as I hate some of these movies, I don't even feel terribly excited about denouncing them.
I don't think it's really fair to include Crash, Elizabethtown, Oliver Twist, Sahara or Wolf Creek on this list. I mean, they are all quite bad. But they also show some aesthetic skill. The level of incompetence showing in the final list is far more profound… even with a few films from directors I have otherwise admired.
And now, The Barfer's Dozen…
13. Fantastic Four - What inspired Fox to buy the Roger Corman version of The Fantastic Four and to replace it with a $80 million version that was actually worse? It boggles the mind. The closest thing to something of interest in this film was that teenaged boys everywhere wanted to see Johnny and his sister Sue do the incestuous dirty. This is a movie that didn't even decide to believe in its own comic book mythology with "It's Clobberin' Time" played as a meta catch phrase, The Invisible Girl bumping uglies with Dr. Doom before settling for the slightly more sane and infinitely more boring Victor Von Dumb… uh… and The Thing repeating gags from Hellboy to less effect.
12. Madagascar - An ambitiously stupid cartoon with a confused message about freedom and animal servitude. You know how cartoons are made with all the actors coming in separately to do their parts? It's not often that this is so apparent while watching the film. Yes, the penguins were funny. And I loved Sacha Cohen's island homeboy. But the only thing less amusing than Madagascar when focused on its four main characters was an episode of Situation Comedy About The Animals Who Ripped Out Roy's Throat when Carl Reiner's horny old lion wasn't on screen.
11. Separate Lies - A sex thriller with no sex and no thrills. But at least we got to spend 90 minutes wondering how Rupert Everett got out of the hospital long enough to do his part in the film. It was their hard luck that Match Point came out the same year as this car wreck or it might have just looked really bad. Instead, this memory of this film screams "dramatic necrophilia."
10. Memoirs of a Geisha - They worked so hard on getting everyone to use the same broken English, they should have spent more time finding a director. It doesn't take long before you realize that every image on screen is not about the story or characters, but about Rob Marshall… and he's just not that interesting. It seemed so horribly dismissive when one found oneself joking about this being a film about a hooker with a heart of sushi, but it turned out to be pretty dead on. You don't care about anyone but the cinematographer and the production designer in this film. You really, really want to, because you need some lifesaver to get you to stay in your seat for the entire length of the film. But alas, no. I want two hours back that are mine!
9. Rent - Never before has a film's title so clearly suggested the format in which you should consider seeing it. There are three or four songs I really liked in this film and I look forward to seeing every actor in it - who had a personality- again. But it is rare to see something that you can tell felt so gritty and immediate and demanding to be heard turned into yesterday's velvet oatmeal. I don't care. I don't care so much that I was actually uncomfortable staring at the g-string sliding up between Rosario Dawson's cheeks because it was the most intimate thing in the film and I felt taken advantage of by being shown it. Lots of talent up there… 95% of it wasted because if this project could have worked, it would have required some serious reconsideration of style.
8. Bewitched - Speaking of reconsideration of style, what possessed anyone to make Bewitched into a meta movie about Will Farrell being a movie star and Nicole Kidman as a middle-aged wannabe actress witch who gets cast as a witch on a TV show starring a… oh forget it! News Flash! Samantha was Mary Richards and Darrin was even less funny. All the comedy in Bewitched was in other characters. Will Farrell would have been a funny Uncle Arthur or Dr. Bombay and if you wanted to make it about Hollywood, you should have photographed the look on Sony execs' faces as they watched this movie make their bonus checks disappear.
7. Bad News Bears - Loser kids get an attitude and get back at their tormentors. How can you screw it up? Well, start by not bothering to really deal with the changes in what being a young teen means today. Then take this nasty premise and waffle on whether you're going to make a really mean movie or a Capra-style glossy version. Chase that PG-13 by never dropping the F-bomb, but saying "shit" 300 times. Take the bold step on including a kid in a wheelchair and then don't show the courage to make fun of him the way kids really would. Pick a tone, dammit.
6. Robots - Just plain crappy. It's not funny. Robin Williams is trying real hard, but isn't funny. Mel Brooks is using some bizarre southern accent. The story is both complicated and simplistic. There are some terrific visuals, but I didn't have any fun in this one… not a minute.
5. Stay - How does a filmmaker as promising as Marc Forster make a movie this bad? You really have to challenge yourself to figure out what he was thinking. This is one of a raft of movies that seem to be inspired by The Sixth Sense in which characters don't know if they are awake, asleep, alive, dead, insane or… well, just boring and self-obsessed. Seems pretty obvious to me. Making this is the kind of decision that is keeping Ryan Gosling from breaking out.
4. Kicking & Screaming - CRAP!!!! SHIT!!! JUNK!!!! (You'll just have to trust that I am kicking too.) This feels like a movie that was made for $27 while Will Ferrell was still on Saturday Night Live and then unearthed for release by a greedy studio. If there was a script, I see no evidence of it. If someone thought Mike Ditka could act, they learned better. If you thought that Will Farrell screaming at kids would be funny, you probably watch Birth of a Nation for laughs. And this one surely replaces Newsies as the low point of Robert Duvall's career.
3. Rebound - Yes, it's a trend of really bad sports movies with kids. I like Martin Lawrence. And I really tried to like this movie. But it looks like it was made by the orthodontist of a TV director. Apparently after making and getting away with two Eddie Murphy films, Steve Carr decided that every actor would make him look good. Wrong!
2. Stealth - Do you think Rob Cohen cries every time he looks in the mirror or does he really believe his own bullshit? How can you make a movie about a talking, autonomous, evil stealth fighter and direct it as though you were topping Olivier at Shakespeare. Didn't anyone consider for a moment that someone might mention that the U.S. was bombing sovereign nations three times in this film? Did it strike anyone odd that two hours of bad banter foreplay between the two leads would not end up being very sexy or charming? Shouldn't there be a commemorative plaque on the DVD box honoring this as Jamie Foxx's last outing as the funny, horny Negro scheduled to die in the second act? You rarely see a crazy plane film in which you root for the plane to kill everyone quickly so you can leave the theater. Rob Cohen made sure it was authentic. And bad has rarely been more authentic.
1. Son of The Mask - How can one even describe just how bad this sequel is? Jamie Kennedy is to Jim Carrey as milk is to bourbon. Alan Cumming tries to camp it up in the villain role, but can't even get a good bite of the scenery without being undermined. Traylor Howard was directed to sleepwalk through the film. The wacky story in which a second mask is found never leads to a second mask being used at the same time as the main mask. It's not funny. It's not charming. It's not cool looking. It's humor is gross without being gross out. It looks like it was cut by Baz Luhrmann's editor on the very last day of a month-long cocaine bender. (Note: No inference that anyone is using illicit drugs is intended by that metaphor.) The film reached the heights of irritation, boredom and incompetence all at once. Impressive.
December 28, 2004 - Movies You Should Have Seen, But Didn't
December 29, 2004 - The Ten Worst
December 30, 2004 - The Ten Best
