Week Of June 5, 2006 - Tue / Wed / Fri

June 6, 2006

6. 6. 6.

You want proof that it's for real? The following list combines both the true and the made up events that suggest that the apocalypse really is on the way… see if you can distinguish….

Box office is up in spite of some crappy summer movies.

Cannes "problem film" Southland Tales sells to the same distributor that releases the next Bobcat Goldthwaite comedy about a woman who has sex with her dog.

Mike Myers acquires remake rights to Dr Strangelove, changes it to Dr. Love, and plays one more role than Peter Sellers, adding the villain slot as Osama bin Bippy.

The MPAA hires a hacker to pirate someone's private information.

Harry Potter 666: Hagrid & Hermione Get It On

Brad Pitt leaves Angelina Jolie, citing a deathly fear of surgical scars, and shacks up with Lisa Kudrow.

Fox hires Liev Schreiber to play the Gregory Peck role in a remake.

Tom Gargotta invents a one-sheet that literally cause people's bowels to release when they see it.

Larry Clark makes a movie about people his own age.

Jessica Alba takes a gig just to prove she can be funny… and is not funny.

Rob Cohen and McG are allowed to direct again.

George Clooney runs for the Senate after getting 4,000 write-in votes in the California gubernatorial primaries.

Sean Penn shows a sense of humor about himself.

A studio makes a movie about a nocturnal bird that lives underground, produced by Jimmy Buffett, and is surprised when it flops.

Julia Roberts returns to Broadway playing "Stranger Girl" in Lars von Trier's Fucking Amerikanen, urinating center stage and winning a Tony for the effort.

Edward Norton comes up with a way of fixing the script to Chinatown … plans a remake.

Drew "Moriarty" McWeeny goes hunting with Tom Rothman.

Tom Cruise gets back on his meds.

MGM is sold to the Chinese, Liosngate is sold to Sam Walton, and the DreamWorks' library is sold to the U.S. government for $1.2 billion in one of GW Bush's last acts in office.

The temperature is going up and Al Gore is getting popular again.

A studio makes a film that is better than the trailer.

Bob Yari & Cathy Schulman decide to share credit on a movie without any legal intervention.

Harrison Ford gets tired of waiting on Lucas an Spielberg and agrees to star in Indiana Jonze, featuring him as an aging stoner with a girlfriend who never gets the munchies.

Sharon Waxman writes a positive story about the box office.

Quentin Tarantino plans a film to be released by Harvey Weinstein called Urine Stained Love.

Billy Baldwin gets a sex change, starting a trend in the family which ends when Alec can't find a big enough dress.

New Times allows J. Hoberman to continue at the Village Voice, but demands he writes in crayon.

After the flop of Just Her Luck, Lindsay Lohan returns to Disney after the studio agrees to let her star in a remake The World's Greatest Athlete with Kurt Russell as The Coach and Paris Hilton as Gazenga.

Warner Bros. makes make a superhero movie for under $130 million.

The Zorro hood is exposed as the uniform for secret meetings of voodoo-practicing top studio execs.

Someone under 50 reads a newspaper.

John Travolta makes the decision to only perform in drag after wardrobe fittings for Hairspray. Sarah Jessica Parker is hired to play the young female lead despite her distinctly different physical appearance.

The Lindsay Lohan sex video… co-starring Larry The Cable Guy

A president officially proposes an anti gay marriage amendment on the 25th anniversary of AIDS and never blushes.

Film critics decide not to review crappy movies, even if the studios want them to see them.

Mike DeLuca produces a kids' movie.

Oren Aviv throws his hat in the ring for the job of major league baseball commissioner.

Sofia Coppola makes a movie about someone other than herself.

Neil LaBute makes a movie that honestly acknowledges his true self.

Michael Eisner takes a job replacing Joy Behar on The View.

A studio accounts for every dime spent on a film and accurately reports the amount of the expenditures.

Kirby Dick gets a PG-13 for his new movie, This Film Is Not Yet Rated.

Martin Scorsese releases his UNRATED version of The Break-Up, featuring Vince Vaughn cutting Jennifer Aniston up into small bite sized pieces and serving them as fondue at a diner party attended by Brad Pitt.

Another studio hires Mark Steven Johnson to direct another comic book movie.

Johnny Depp challenges himself by taking the lead of on Being Roberto Benigni.

E Me: What signs of the apocalypse do you see?

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Week Of April 3, 2006 - Life In the Bubble - Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of April 10, 2006 - List Week - Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of April 17, 2006 - Review Week - Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of April 24, 2006 - Overlooked Week - Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of May 1, 2006 - Mystery Week - Tue / Wed / Fri
Week Of May 8, 2006 - How We Watch Week - Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of May 15, 2006 - Premature Week - Oscar Mon / Wed / Fri
Week Of May 22, 2006 - B-13 Mon / Inconvenient Wed / Fri
Week Of May 29, 2006 - Wed / Fri